Cranky People throughout History

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In this section we will be celebrating cranky people throughout history. From the mildly annoyed to the downright violent. Crabby people have been shaping the world for centuries, and there isn't a goddamn thing you can do about it.

 

Ludwig II... Not Really Cranky, Just Kinda Nucking Futs.



Ludwig II of Bavaria as depicted in a
contemporary etching around 1886.


He is known by many nicknames: the Swan King, the Mad King of Bavaria, the Dream King, and Mad Ludwig. Was “Mad King Ludwig” mad? This is only one of many mysteries that surround the former Bavarian regent to this day. Ludwig II (Ludwig Friedrich Wilhelm) has become one of the most legendary figures in Bavarian and German history, a history full of legendary figures.

Other mysteries include the enigma of Ludwig's death by drowning in Lake Starnberg (der Starnberger See) south of Munich. Did he commit suicide or was he “helped”? Ludwig died under mysterious circumstances just three days after being declared legally insane. Today Ludwig's extravagances such as his fairy-tale (and anachronistic) Neuschwanstein castle and his other castles have become a huge tourist draw and a vital source of income for the state of Bavaria. Ludwig's latent homosexuality and his patronage of Richard Wagner have also contributed to the Mad Ludwig legend.

The man who would become the king of Bavaria (Bayern, then a sovereign kingdom separate from Prussia and the other German states) was born in Nymphenburg Palace, the Wittelsbach dynasty's summer residence just outside Munich, on August 25, 1845. (But see the box on the left for more about Ludwig's actual birthday.) His parents were the 36-year-old Catholic Maximilian II of Bavaria and the 19-year-old Protestant Princess Marie of Prussia (who happened also to be her husband's cousin). Unfortunately, Ludwig's parents were neither very close to each other nor to their first son. Ludwig (whose only brother, Otto, would be born almost exactly three years later) would grow up in a spartan and sheltered environment. By any measure, he turned out to be a somewhat odd young man who had problems relating to women and people in general.

The boy who would later be known as the "Swan King" spent much of his youth in a castle named Hohenschwangau ("high region of the swan"). His father Max had bought the ancient castle known as Schwanstein in 1832 and remodeled it as a royal residence set in the Bavarian Alps. Ludwig grew up there among swan images and icons, and the nearby Schwansee, or Swan Lake, featured the real thing. As a 12-year-old boy Ludwig had already developed a fascination with Wagner's Lohengrin and its Swan Knight.

Ludwig, not yet 19 years old, ascended the Bavarian throne upon the death of his father in 1864. In faraway America a long, bitter Civil War was approaching its end. (Only two years later, Bavaria would be involved in its own war, fighting on the losing Austrian side in the Seven Weeks War against Prussia.) The German Karl Marx was in London working on volume one of Das Kapital, forming the First International, and starving.

Ludwig's first year as king did not go well, and the already shy young king soon withdrew even more, away from Munich and into his beloved mountains in the Bavarian Alps -- where he would build several castles and related structures. In May of that same year Ludwig had his first meeting with his music idol Richard Wagner.

As their copious correspondence shows, Ludwig and Wagner became very close, if stormy, friends until the famous composer's death. On several occasions Wagner was the beneficiary of Ludwig's patronage and support, but the relationship had its highs and lows. Ludwig was attracted to Wagner's music and talents, but the composer's libertine, independent ways put strains on the friendship between the two. Though the naive Ludwig long refused to believe the rumors of Wagner's daliances with Cosima von Bülow (the wife of Wagner's concertmaster, and the illegitimate daughter of Franz Liszt), in December 1865 Ludwig was compelled to banish Wagner from Bavaria. While Wagner was living in Switzerland, he and Ludwig continued to exchange letters, but it would be many years before they would meet again. When they did, Wagner managed to get Ludwig to help him finance the building of his new Festspielhaus concert hall in Bayreuth, completed in 1876. Despite their disagreements, Wagner's death in 1883 affected the King of Bavaria deeply.

In 1868 Ludwig began his own building campaign. Much of the Bavarian king's fame is associated with his castles: Neuschwanstein, Linderhof, and Herrenchiemsee. (A fourth castle, Falkenstein, was planned but never built.). Ludwig took a special interest in the building of all his palaces, sometimes to the extreme irritation of his architects and craftsmen.

Ludwig drew much of his inspiration for his castles from Wagnerian opera (particularly Lohengrin and Tannhäuser) — although he insisted on the original Germanic mythology rather than Wagner's operatic revisions.

(copied from www.german-way.com)

 

His Majesty, the leader of the Golden Horde and Conqueror of the Known World

Chinggus Khan

What can I say about this guy. He's been a personal hero of mine ever since I read the "Golden History of the Mongol Horde." The guy was a brilliant strategist who with a minimal amount of training and experience forged a loose group of tribes into the greatest conquerors in the history of man.

The following is an excerpt from Nationmaster.com s encyclopedia.

In 1206 Tem?ad successfully united the formerly fragmented tribes of what is now Mongolia, and at a kuriltai (kurultai) (a council of Mongol chiefs) he was titled "Genghis Khan" (also Chinggis, Jenghiz and Tsingis) or "Universal Ruler".

As the great Khan, he developed a new military system that was based on the decimal system, with armies being split into groups of 10, 100, 1000 and finally a tumen (10,000). The army took their families and horses with them, with each rider having about 3-4 horses apiece, so they always had fresh means of transport.

At the time of the kuriltai, Genghis was involved in a dispute with Western Xia, the first of his wars of conquest, and despite problems in taking well defended Western Xia cities, and by 1209 when peace with Western Xia was made, he had with substantially reduced the Western Xia dominion, and was acknowledged by their emperor as overlord.

A major goal of Genghis was the conquest of Jin, both to avenge earlier defeats and to gain the riches of northern China. He declared war in 1211, and at first the pattern of operations against the Jurchen Jin Dynasty was the same as it had been against Western Xia. The Mongols were victorious in the field, but they were frustrated in their efforts to take major cities. In his typically logical and determined fashion, Genghis and his highly developed staff studied the problems of the assault of fortifications. With the help of Chinese engineers, they gradually developed the techniques that eventually would make them the most accomplished and most successful besiegers in the history of warfare.

As a result of a number of overwhelming victories in the field and a few successes in the capture of fortifications deep within China, Genghis had conquered and had consolidated Jin territory as far south as the Great Wall by 1213. He then advanced with three armies into the heart of Jin territory, between the Great Wall and the Huang He. He defeated the Jin forces, devastated northern China, captured numerous cities, and in 1215 besieged, captured, and sacked the Jin capital of Yanjing (later known as Beijing). The Jin emperor, Emperor Xuan Zong of Jin, did not surrender, however, but removed his capital to Kaifeng. There his successors finally were defeated, but not until 1234. Meanwhile, Kuchlug, the deposed khan of the Naiman Mongols, had fled west and had usurped the state of Kara-Khitan Khanate, the western allies that had decided to side with Genghis.

By this time, the Mongol army was exhausted by ten years of continuous campaigning against Western Xia and Jin. Therefore, Genghis sent only two tumen under a brilliant young general, Jebe, against Kuchlug. An internal revolt was incited by Mongol agents; then Jebe overran the country. Kuchlug's forces were defeated west of Kashgar; he was captured and executed, and Kara-Khiatn was annexed. By 1218 the Mongol state extended as far west as Lake Balkash and adjoined Khwarizm, a Muslim state that reached to the Caspian Sea in the west and to the Persian Gulf and the Arabian Sea in the south.

In 1218 Genghis sent some emissaries to an eastern Province of Khwarizm to hold some talks with the governour. The governour of the province had them killed, and Genghis retaliated with a force of 200,000 troops. By 1220 Khwarizm was eradicated.



The Final Campaign

The vassal emperor of Western Xia had refused to take part in the war against the Khwarizm, and Genghis had vowed punishment. While he was in Iran, Western Xia and Jin had formed an alliance against the Mongols. After rest and a reorganization of his armies, Genghis prepared for war against his foes.

By this time, advancing years had led Genghis to prepare for the future and to assure an orderly succession among his descendants. He selected his third son Ogedei as his successor and established the method of selection of subsequent khans, specifying that they should come from his direct descendants. Meanwhile, he studied intelligence reports from Western Xia and Jin and readied a force of 180,000 troops for a new campaign.

In AD 1226, Genghis Khan attacked the Tanguts on the pretext that the Tanguts received the Mongols' enemies. In February, Genghis Khan took over Heisui city, Gan-zhou and Su-zhou. In autumn, took over Xiliang-fu. A Xixia general challenged the Mongols for a battle near Helanshan Mountain. (Helan means great horse in northern dialect.) Xixia armies were defeated at Helanshan. In November, he laid siege of the Tangut city of Ling-zhou and then crossed the Yellow River and defeated the Tangut relief army. Five stars, in a row, were noted in the skies.

In AD 1227, Genghis Khan attacked Tanguts' capital, and in February, took over Lintiao-fu. In March, he took over Xining prefecture and Xindu-fu. In April, he took over Deshun prefecture. At Deshun, Xixia General Ma Jianlong resisted the Mongols for days and personally led charges against them outside of the city gate. Ma Jianlong later died of arrow shots. Genghis, after taking over Deshun, went to Liupanshan Mountain (Qingshui County, Gansu Prov) for shelter from the severe summer. On the mountain, he stated that he had said one year ago, when five stars converged onto one line, that the Mongols should not kill people at random and made it a decree not to kill at random.

On his deathbed in 1227, Genghis Khan outlined to his youngest son, Tului, the plans that later would be used by his successors to complete the destruction of the Jin empire.

His body was returned to Mongolia, the escort killing anyone that strayed across their path on the return trip, so as not to reveal where he was finally laid to rest. The Genghis Khan Mausoleum is his memorial, not his burial site.

The new Xixia emperor, being attacked by the Mongols, surrendered to them. The Tanguts officially surrendered in AD 1227, after being in existence for 190 years, from AD 1038 to AD 1227. The Mongols killed the Tangut emperor and his royal family members.

Point of Interest: Genghis Khan has become a symbol of a Mongolia trying to regain its identity after many long years of Communism. Genghis Khan's face appears on Mongolian banknotes and vodka labels.

    This historical account glosses over Chinggus's early years. The whole reason for his conquering of the mongol tribes in the first place is because his wife Bort was kidnapped by one of the neighboring tribes. It also doesn't address the relationship and strong influence Temujin's mother had on him. At one point when he had been fighting with his family and kinsmen over how best to deal with their enemies, Oelun Ekh (Mother Oelun)  took him aside asked him to break an arrow. which of course he easily did. Then she asked him to break a bundle of arrows. Try as he might he couldn't snap the bundle. So she said to him "See, so as it is with your brothers. Alone you will break and be destroyed, together no one can break you."

    As far as Cranky behavior, Chinggis is thought to have killed through warfare and executions up to thirty million people. His rational for that was control and ease of conquering. But truthfully it was because he couldn't stand anyone not bending to his will. When he encountered a city he wished to take, he offered the inhabitants a choice. Surrender now and only a few of you may die. Resist me and I will put all to the sword who cannot pass under the yoke of an oxen (about three feet). If the first city didn't surrender he followed through on his threat (deftly allowing  a few to escape to the next city where they spread the tale). Then when they came to the next city, and offered the same choice more often than not the city surrendered or else the citizens delivered the leaders to the Mongols (at which point Chinggis had them executed for doing that).

    Some of the anecdotal evidence of his crankiness is also kind of interesting. His eldest son Jagatai inquired once about when he would have the Khanate passed on to him, and Chinggis snubbed him for asking by passing it on to his third oldest son. Partly because he favored Ogedai, partly because he wanted to teach the other two a lesson.

    If Chinggis liked you and you pissed him off he would have you ritually strangled to death (considered an honor) but if he didn't like you he simply had you run through with a sword (considered and ignoble death reserved for criminals.)

    Lets face it, the guy was cranky. Brilliant, but cranky.

 

Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill.

    What can we say about this caliber of a Cranky Old Bastard. Likely one of the best cranky characters of this century. And he managed to do it without committing any major atrocities (other than that god awful 900 volume history of him that by now must have every single crap he ever took indexed by time, date and consistency)

    How can you not like a man who came up with that famous line "Madame, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober." Just plain Classic cranky . Anyway, time to cut and paste a bit of his history from another site.

Sir Winston Churchill was the eldest son of the aristocrat Lord Randolph Churchill, born on 30th November 1874. He is best known for his stubbornness yet courageous leadership as Prime Minister for Great Britain when he led the British people from the brink of defeat during World War II.

Following his graduation from the Royal Military College in Sandhurst he was commissioned in the Forth Hussars in February 1895.  As a war correspondent he was captured during the Boer War. After his escape he became a National Hero. Ten month later he was elected as a member of the Conservative Party. In 1904 he joined the Liberal Party where he became the president of the Board of Trade.

It was in 1910 he became Home Secretary where he worked with David Lloyd George. In 1911 he left the Home Office and became first Lord of the Admiralty. His career was almost destroyed as a result of the unsuccessful Gallipoli campaign during the First World War. He was forced to resign from the Admiralty. However, he returned to Government as the Minister of Munition in 1917. In this year he joined the coalition party in which he was a member until it collapsed in 1922 when for two years he was out of Parliament. He returned to the conservative government in 1924 and was given the job of Chancellor of the Exchequer. For ten years during the depression Churchill was denied cabinet office. His backing and support for King Edward VIII during his abdication were frowned upon by the national government. However in September 1939, when Nazi Germany declared war on Poland, the public supported him in his views. Once again Neville Chamberlain appointed him First Lord of the Admiralty on September 3rd, 1939.

In 1940 Churchill succeeded Chamberlain as prime minister and during World War II he successfully secured military aid and moral support from the United States. He travelled endlessly during the war establishing close ties with leaders of other nations and co-ordinated a military strategy which subsequently ensured Hitler's defeat.

His tireless efforts gained admiration from all over the world. He was defeated however during the 1945 election by the Labour party who ruled until 1951. Churchill regained his power in 1951 and lead Britain once again until 5th April 1955 when ill health forced him to resign. He spent much of his latter years writing (The History of the English-Speaking People) and painting. In recognition of this historical studies he received the Nobel Price for Literature in 1953 and in 1963 the US Congress conferred on him honorary American citizenship.

In 1965, at the age of 90 he died of a stroke. His death marked the end of an era in British History and he was given a state funeral and was buried in St. Martin's Churchyard, Bladon, Oxfordshire. During all of his life he had served no less than six British monarchs: Queen Victoria, Edward VII, George IV, Edward VIII, George VI and Elisabeth II.

He also possessed a large collection of toy soldiers. However in his book 'My Early Life' he does not mention which make of soldiers he collected. They were probably all made between 1880 and 1900 and therefore some time before Lineol and Hausser figures became available. As a collector he might be the only one of whom also a personality figure was produced. 

(Source http://www.toy-soldier-gallery.com)

So not only was he cranky and intelligent, but he played with childrens toys to. He stood up to the german onslaught and snippily cut them down to size not only with his armies and weapons, but with well chosen words.

He was a cigar smoking drunken old crank who helped the world avoid having to put up with an even crankier psycho with syphilis.

Vlad Tepes

a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler

aka Cranky Vlad

Vlad Dracolya, the fifteenth century voevod prince, also known as Vlad the Impaler, is best remembered as the inspiration for Bram Stoker's famous novel, Dracula. His true history, in fact, is far more fascinating than any vampire story.

    Vlad was born in the town of Sighisoara in the early fourteen hundreds. He was the second son of the Prince of Wallachia, Vlad Dracul. The country of Wallachia was a principality, meaning that it was ruled by a prince, rather than a king. Dracul was a member of The Order of the Dragon (a position from which he derived his surname). The Order of the Dragon was a group of Slavic rulers and warlords who were sworn to uphold the Christian faith by fighting off the advancing Turks of the Ottoman Empire. Warfare was almost continuous in Wallachia and the surrounding areas at that period of history.

       At a young age, perhaps the first battle he participated in, Vlad was taken captive by the Turks, along with his younger brother Radu the Handsome. Vlad and Radu were valuable hostages, being sons of the local prince, so they were taken back to Istanbul, and imprisoned by the Sultan, Mehemet.

       When his sons were taken, Dracul had unsuccessfully attempted to bargain with the Turks for their release. This bargaining was viewed as treason by John Hunyadi, (the King of Hungary in fact if not in name, and the most powerful member of the Order of the Dragon.) Hunyadi hired assassins who killed Dracul and his oldest son (Vlad's older brother) Mihnea.

       Meanwhile in Istanbul, Sultan Mehemet was trying to indoctrinate Vlad and Radu into Islam, making allies of them. He hoped to use their claim to the Wallachian throne to his advantage. Radu converted quickly, and was released from prison. Vlad, however, was far more stubborn. It has been suggested that Vlad's sadistic tendencies started as a result of his imprisonment by the Sultan.

       When Vlad finally seemed subdued, The sultan turned back to the conquest of Wallachia. After taking it's capital, he set up Vlad as the new prince. Vlad, however, did not want to be a puppet ruler, so after a few months, he fled the country, going north into Moldavia. Vlad stayed for some time with his cousin, and close friend Steven.

       Vlad decided that the only way to oust the Turks, and become the true prince of Wallachia, was to enlist the help of John Hunyadi- the very man who had murdered his father and brother. Vlad was willing to put this aside to defeat their common enemy, the Sultan.

       Hunyadi agreed to back Vlad militarily. Vlad and Hunyadi were successful in driving out Radu, who had been made prince by the Sultan when Vlad escaped. Vlad retook the Wallachian throne, beginning his second, and most infamous reign.

       Vlad Dracolya was not a good or kind prince. He had a terrifying habit of repeatedly raiding certain towns in his territory, and murdering great numbers of people. For reasons unknown, the towns selected for these meaningless attacks where often those towns who's population had largely German ancestry. He might have raided towns of french ancestry but they had a habit of surrendering as soon as he got close. As a result, most of the remaining written records of Vlad come from propaganda pamphlets printed by the Germans on the newly invented printing press. The most famous picture of Vlad is a woodblock print from one of these pamphlets depicting Vlad eating his dinner on a grassy hill surrounded by a forest of impaled bodies.

       Most of Vlad's victims were killed by impalement. When killing large numbers of peasants, he would drive them in herds over cliff sides onto beds of spikes below. He also employed methods such as boiling, quartering, decapitation, etc. There are many stories of varying levels of authentication about the dire deeds of Vlad during his second reign. A few of them go as follows:

       Once, two ambassadors from the Sultan came with a message for Vlad. When they entered his throne room, he asked them to remove their turbans. It was considered rude to address the prince without taking off one's hat. The Turks, however, took exception to this request. For one thing, Vlad an the Sultan where not on good terms, so insulting him really didn't seem to matter, and just as importantly, the turbans were not just headgear, they were a symbol of the Muslim religion. The Turks refused, not knowing just how serious a mistake it was to insult Vlad. Vlad immediately ordered his guards to seize them, and then stated that if they were so unwilling to part with the turbans, that they should be nailed to their heads. Vlad then watched in satisfaction as the Turks writhed and screamed as large nails were driven into their skulls.

       Just as Vlad reacted violently to insult, he responded very well to flattery. Once a messenger was sent to Vlad from king Mathias of Hungary. It was unknown what news the messenger brought, but it angered Vlad. Vlad invited the messenger to eat dinner with him personally. Before the meal, Vlad asked the messenger
       "Do you know why I have asked you here?"
       The man knew Vlad's reputation, knew he was angry, and saw two soldiers standing behind Vlad, holding a gold tipped spear. Thinking fast, he replied
       "I do not know, but I know you are a wise and great ruler, and no matter what you command, even if you were to command my death, it should be done."
       Vlad motioned the soldiers away, and said "Had you not answered so well, I would have impaled you on the spot."
       He then showered the messenger with gifts, and sent him back to Mathias.

       Wallachia had been, for the most part, free from invasion during Vlad's second reign, but a new Sultan, Suiliman II had come to power, and the Ottoman Empire once again turned its eyes toward Wallachia.

       Vlad was informed by his spies of the great power of the approaching Turkish army. He knew that his forces could not win in open battle, and that he lacked the resources to survive a long siege, so he undertook a very desperate venture. In the middle of the night, Vlad personally led a small elite force into the Turkish camp in the hopes of taking the Sultan off guard and killing him. If the Sultan died, the Turkish troops would be so demoralized that they might retreat. Thanks to the element of surprise, and excellent knowledge of the local terrain, Vlad's midnight offensive was almost successful. The Sultan was wounded, although not fatally, and Vlad's entire force escaped without casualties. (this battle was recorded in great detail by a Turkish soldier)

       But the attack did not stop the Turkish army. Vlad retreated to his castle at Targoviste, and prepared to flee. His wife, believing that escape was impossible, committed suicide by leaping off of a cliff into a river. The river was afterwards known as the Princess River. Vlad was hit by a second tragedy as he and his servants escaped through the forest on horseback-- the servant who was carrying Vlad's infant son dropped him. The pursuing Turks were too close to risk turning back to look for the child, so they were forced to leave him behind. In one day Vlad had lost both his home and his family.

       Seeking help, Vlad went to King Mathias of Hungary-- but Vlad's evil deeds finally caught up with him. People from some of the villages most persecuted by Vlad had gotten to Mathias first. They told the king that Vlad was an ally of the Turks, and coming as a spy. When Vlad arrived, he was immediately thrown into prison.

       The Turks did not stay long in Targoviste. They were greeted by the impaled heads of several of their spies. Before fleeing, Vlad had set fire to the city, rendering it into ruins. The Turks took the city anyway, but after only a few days, Black Plague broke out among the soldiers, and they were forced to retreat out of Wallachia.

       Vlad was imprisoned for several months, but he caught the eye of Ilona, King Mathias's sister. She used her influence with her brother to have Vlad freed, and they were married. Vlad was partially pardoned, but he was required to stay within the city. He was given a large home, and lived there for several years with his new wife, who bore him another son.

       Once Mathias considered him an ally again, Vlad was free to go, so he returned to Wallachia and reclaimed the throne for the third and final time. He built a new capital, Bucharesti (now Bucharest, the capital of modern-day Romania)

       Shortly after retaking his throne, A peasant came to Vlad with a young boy, saying that he had found him in the forest years ago on the night of the Turkish attack. The boy was Vlad's lost son. The boy was returned to Vlad, and the peasant was greatly rewarded.

       Vlad died in battle, over the age of fifty. He will always be remembered. As a fiend to most, but as a hero to the people of Romania for defending his homeland from the Turks.
    

Of course Vlad has been reputed to do a few cranky things in his history. Most notably was a party he decided to throw not long after coming to power in Wallachia. He invited all of the poor and needy into his hall for a meal and asked them "What more do you need?" and they replied "Leave us free from want and pain M'lord." It angered Vlad that they wanted anything more than just a meal so he had the doors nailed shut and light the place on fire. That put an end to most of the poor in his area. George Dubya Bush is using the same approach in the USA today.


Ludwig Van Beethoven

1770-1827

 

Ludwig Van Beethoven was born in 1770 in the city of Bonn, Germany and wrote many inspiring and joyful symphonies before he started becoming truly cranky. His true awakening to Crankydom was in 1802 when he finally realized his hearing was starting to go. As everyone knows, a hearing impairment makes being a Cranky old Bastard even easier than normal. Anytime anyone is annoying you you can start randomly assaulting them with phrases like "Eh? Speak up you ! I Can't hear you." Or you can literally turn your deaf ear to them and just ignore everything they say.

In 1802 Ludwig wtote a bitter cranky letter to his two brothers that almost sounded like a will. He cunningly made his brothers suffer under the raw power of his crabbiness by making them think he was near to death. This caused them to do many things for Ludwig which in turn propelled him into a new phase of creativeness referred to as his Middle Period.

As the middle period ended in 1812 Ludwig began what is now known as his "Cranky as All Get Out" period. He stayed in his home alone most days, only occasionally sticking his head out the window to yell at passing children, then ignore them when they asked him what he wanted. "Speak UP!!"  he would yell at them, then slam the shutters shut when they started to reply. He had also Crankied away the only women he ever felt less cranky about, so he was primed for a good bout of manic depressive border line psychotic Cranking. He did this until he died.

In 1827 when Ludwig Van Beethoven died, 10 000 are said to have attended his funeral, which just goes to prove that you can be cranky and well liked too.

Emperor Gaius "Caligula"

AD 12-41

Gaius Caligula was a truly Cranky Bastard. He had lots of reasons to be cranky too. He was very sensitive about his balding and had several people killed just for mentioning it. He made it a Capital Crime to look down upon him from above as he passed by. He quite often ordered people with fine heads of hair to be shaved just because. What he lacked in scalp hair he more than made up for in body hair though. One of the many women he forced himself upon was heard once to remark "I've seen bearskin rugs that would be shamed by the fine coat of coarse black hair on little boots back."

I could go on for hours describing the litany of people Caligula ordered to commit suicide, had executed or just plain murdered, but that is the stuff you can read about in any history book. I want to talk about his Cranky side, not his Psychotic side.

One time when a passing farmer remarked that he had the best grain fields in all of Italy, Caligula ordered 3 legions of the Praetorian guard to march back and forth through the farmers fields until they were completely destroyed. Now that was Cranky.

When he once heard that a woman he had once had relations with had complained about his Body Odor, he had her thrown down an outhouse in the country and then nailed in for 3 days. Then he had her marched through the nicer sections of Rome and into the senate for a bit.

When a friends wife refused his advances, he had her Husband sent to Parthia with the army (he wasn't even a soldier) sold her son into Prostitution and then when she still refused him he had her head shaved off and tattooed penis's on her scalp.

When a senator, Tinerus Linos said something about Tiberius being right about Caligula being a snake, Caligula had Linos locked in a chest with a hundred odd venomous snakes. Linos did not survive this.

When another senator remarked to a friend that Caligula was both short of wit and stature Caligula had his legs cut off at the knee. He was said to remark to the Senator "Who's short of wit now?"

Eventually his own bodyguards got tired of his cranky psychotic epileptic murdering sprees and stabbed him to death as he left the theatre. They also killed his wife and kids.

So as we can see, Caligula was Psychotic powerful and cranky. Always a bad combination