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Not A Bad Day At All!

April 22nd 2006

    Yesterday was a very good day. I after work (YAY!!! No layoff this year!!!) I went and picked up Anne, Sean and Anne's friend Rae to take them up to the camp to visit with my parents and have supper. Anne had been having a bad day because she had broken up with her Boyfriend (Some Dummy apparently.) and was trying to get over it. You'd never know it though because she never once stopped yakking the entire time from when she got into the car until I dropped her off that night.

    It was great. I miss them both all the time, but it's been soooooo long since Anne and I did anything together. But now that I have a car I can take them to a movie once in a while or something. Anne wants to come up but she doesn't want to spend the night. Now I can pick her up and take her home that night. 

    Anyway, apparently Anne has given up on guys now and her and Rae have renamed themselves "Herman" and "Bob". So in honor of them I have named my Mystery Snail "Bob Herman."

"Bob Herman" the Black Mystery Snail.

    I also named my two Otocinclus "Andy" and "Andy" in honor of her ex. One good bottom feeding scum sucker deserves another huh?

Andy the Dwarf Suckermouthed 

Catfish A.K.A the Bottom Feeding

Scumsucker.

    So anyway, after we left the lake I dropped Anne off at home (I miss my puppies.) When I went to pick them up I couldn't help but think how weird it is to have to knock on the door of the house I own. Of course I respect Angela too much to just barge in. That would be wrong. But it is really weird. Almost as weird as it was the day my parents sold their house in Springhill and I realized I could never go home again. I'm really getting tired of losing the places I call home.

    Sean came up for the weekend with me. He opened his present from my sister Kelly last night. A birthday (belated) present of a couple of posters (Guitar chords and scales) one of which he already has (he hung the duplicate in his room here and is taking the other one home for his room.)

    He played video games all night and tonight we are going shopping with Sydney for groceries (he plans to try and get her to stick around for a bit afterwards too, my guess is to play Family Feud.) He told me he misses her last night, but he will see her today regardless.

    Anyway, got to go Busy day with the boy ahead.

You... You... Gym Joiner You....

March 17th 2006

    As you may have already surmised I've joined the gym. The YMCA to be exact. The company I work for pays for it but I never took them up on it before, partly because I'm embarrassed by how badly out of shape I have gotten, partly because I was never all that motivated. But truth be told I've dropped 24 pounds in the last year and I'd like to get another 16 pounds off before 2007. Then down to 200 pounds by 2008. 

    Of course the fact that I can go swimming with Sean when he comes up doesn't hurt. I want to get in better shape so I can be a healthier happier me (read as He wants to get Buff for the Babes.)

    My really basic thought here is if I'm fat old and ugly I'm not a real great first impression, but if I can eliminate one of those factors I'll be a step up here. So I'm starting slow, just twice a week heavy on the Cardio and a quick round of weights, then in a week or so up to three days and alternate heavy cardio days with heavy weight days. then we'll see how it goes from there.

    I might even sign up for a Tai Chi course. That would be fun, or maybe Karate. Combine it with the old wrestling and boxing skills and maybe become a mixed martial arts fighter... or training dummy would be more like it.

So anyway... I'm in a Gym now, whats next? Jogging? Not likely, if I won't run to supper I'll be damned if I'll run to... back where I started?

I Got the Buh..loooo ooo ooo ooo ooo's, But Not the Bad kind... Just the Playin Kind Tooo ooo ooo oooooooo day...

(translation... "Hello... I'm having a rather sad kind of day but it's related to a musical inclination and not some perifidic recurring depression.")

March 16th 2006

    I don't know how many of you know it but my Son Sean recently celebrated his 13th birthday. I gave him a guitar. It's a nice guitar. It's a pretty guitar. It's better than my guitar... but I'm not jealous.... It looks like this...

except of course it is the Jasmine model and not the more expensive Takamine model. But this is the color scheme, Tobacco sunburst. I wish I had a Camera when he opened it. I would have liked to share the pure joy he had on his face when he opened it. It was beautiful. I wanted to give it to him at his actual party but his Mom thought I would be showing everyone there up with it. Oh well, maybe next year. I can't wait until the next time he comes up so I can show him some more stuff.

FISHIES!!!

March 15th 2006

Yes... I have Fishies. I went out and bought a 40 litre tank and some fish to keep me company. They have a few plants and some places to hide and all kinds of neat stuff. And like always I'm turning a slight diversion into an obsessive hobby. But maybe that isn't a bad thing. 

I've always loved having pets, but my lifestyle doesn't really support that anymore, but Fish are different. I can look after them and go away for a couple of days without them dying (besides, I have a friend who would just love to come over and feed them for me once in a while.)

Right now my tank is populated with six of these....

Neon Tetra's

They shine like little light bulbs in my tank. Very pretty and peaceful. I also have two of these...

Angelfish.

My fish make me feel very at peace with the world. Kind of a gift from God to keep me sane. I like having stewardship over them, trying to make their world as enjoyable and stress free as possible. Keeping them happy and healthy. It was actually my Son Sean who picked out the two angels. He wanted to name them Sydney and Daniel but I had to put a Kibosh on that because it could get confusing. Since he didn't name them I called them Kaia and Kailani. Kaia is Hawaiian for Sea and Kailani is Hawaiian for Sea and Sky. I think I will purchase a few Gourami next. there were some very pretty pink ones at the local... uggghh wal-mart that I could save. They looked like this....

Or maybe something else, who knows. My plan is to add two more fish for color and six more neon's when I have a chance. Anyway, stop on by sometime and sit and stare at my fish for a while. It'll relax you I guarantee. 

Neon Babysitter

Jan 27th 2006

    I'm in a much better mood today. But I'm waxing nostalgic instead of philosophical. I just wanted to talk about the Neon Babysitters. When I was a kid I used to sit and watch the Friendly Giant and Mr. Dressup for hours on end. I loved them. They had this joyful quiet and dignified quality about them that I find lacking in today's children's programming.

    They were my Neon babysitters. In reality they were just flickering images on the old Zenith, but to me they were my friends. They cared about me and were worried when I wasn't feeling good. They made jokes to cheer Me up. They sang songs because I liked to hear them. They were there just to make me happy.

The Friendly Giant.

    "Come through the big drawbridge and have a seat... One little chair for one of you, and a bigger chair for two to curl up in, and for someone who likes to rock, a rocking chair in the middle. Look up, look wa-a-ay up…"  That line coming from that soothing warm generous voice was a memory I can never let go of.  

    Bob Homme, a.k.a. the friendly Giant, never said a cross word the entire time he was on the air. I always wanted to sit in the Rocking Chair. Rusty and Jerome sometimes felt like they were my own pets. I miss him terribly. He was my pattern for being a kind gentle giant myself. Well, six foot two isn't really giant I guess, just large. Twenty eight years he ran on T.V. How many kids shows can match that now? 

    In the end I grew up. I had to realize that these people I considered immortal and immutable were really just normal people. And normal people fade away and pass on. Bob Homme died in 2000 at the age of 81. But I hope he's up in heaven somewhere and someday maybe I can tell him how much he meant to me.

    But for now, every so often... I look up.... WAAAAAAAAAY UP.

Sometimes I'm not Happy.

Jan 26th 2006

    I know it may seem hard to believe, but sometime even I... The Great and Cranky Dan... am unhappy. I'd like to say I don't know why, but most of the time it's my own fault. I'm not content to merely trip and fall, I have to build a nice tall tower to fall out of. I build things up and then the fall becomes extraordinary. 

    I expect too much from people or I hold out hopes for impossible things. I expect everyone to treat me the way I treat them. Even before the whole Christian thing I tried to follow the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But I am so willing to do anything to help people out, and yet when I moved I got no help. Well, Carl helped me with a load. Dropped it off and left. But I haven't heard from him since. Boy, does that seem bitter.

    I sometimes feel like I'm everyone's friend of convenience. The guy they hang out with if there isn't anything else going on. The sad last resort. I sometimes want to grab people and ask them "Hey!!! How would you like it if people treated you like this?" But then I know it's not me that's the real problem. I'm often told I'm a great guy, fun to be with, funny. A sweetheart. But people don't seem to want that. The seem to want to hang out with arrogant amusing jerks. I'm sounding bitter again here aren't I.

    Life's confusing. I'm tired of trying to get people to come to me. If they want me, they know where I'll be. I'm not expecting my phone to ring off the hook though. That sounds bitter doesn't it?

    Final point. The golden rule is the most important of all the rules. If you follow it then you must, by default, follow every other rule of goodness and kindness.

    Other final point. If I ever stop being this way then you should all be upset, because it would mean I'd lost faith in people and stopped dreaming.

    Later Gators.

Good Deed for the Day!!

January 23rd 2006

    So anyway, I've been corresponding with this nice woman from Sussex for a bit and this morning she messengers me about finding a new job where she can work from home and do data entry. And it only cost her 90 odd dollars. That put my spidey sense to tingling and I immediately began investigating this company

    It didn't take long for me to figure out what they were all about and how they were ripping people off. After hitting a few scam sites I got her to contact Visa and stop the payment. Visa was very obliging to her and the charge had not yet gone through so I helped her out. She's a very nice and deserving person so I feel a nice warm glowy feeling for helping out. Ripping off single moms for for a few lousy bucks is just low and unforgivable (by me at least, maybe they'll have better luck with God.)

    So for the other person or two who read this rant always remember, if they ask you for money in order to work for them... It's a scam. SCAM SCAM SCAM!!!

    Ninety bucks may not be a lot of money for most of us, but a single mom with very little income looking for some extra money by working at home getting scammed by a company that apparently is targeting them and invalids or other people unable to leave their homes to work, makes you wish you had a spare mob with pitchforks and torches and stuff waiting for you just outside their office.

No Particular Meaning.

January 18th 2006

    Nope... there is no particular meaning in this post. I'm mentally blogged, or blocked or something right now. I think it has something to do with trying to think of a good Haiku to write for Clare today, or maybe just plain ordinary brain mush. So maybe I'll just wax philosophical for a while.

    Where do lost socks go? Are they the missing proof of gods existence? I mean if you look objectively at the first law of Thermodynamics in a totally naturally based universe socks couldn't just disappear. So if they don't just disappear then what does happen to them?

    The first law of thermodynamics states that energy can be changed from one form to another, but it cannot be created or destroyed. The total amount of energy and matter in the Universe remains constant, merely changing from one form to another. If that's the case then what happens to socks when they disappear? Do they turn into energy, then upon combining with enough missing sock energy coalesce into those mysterious shoes you see hanging from power lines? Would it be possible for us to harness the innate power of missing socks to solve our energy crisis?

    Here is the true dilemma, If you know you put BOTH socks into the dryer, then one turns up missing (by the way, how can something turn up... missing.) Does it turn into lint and get caught in your lint trap?

    I have a theory that somewhere out there is a planet with a series of small wormhole into which fall lost socks, pens and disposable lighters. The person who finds this planet will make a fortune selling perfectly good used socks lighters and pens to the population in general. Consequentially there will be a wormhole on this planet sucking the fruit of the native "Coat hanger" tree into peoples closets.

    If this isn't true then the only possible explanation for missing socks that I can see is God uses them to make people from Florida. Many of them seem to have the patterns of socks imprinted on their souls what with their polyester and plaid and argyle tendencies. Consider the possibilities here folks.

    Now here's the other problem I have as of late. Why do people keep saying "Its always in the last place you look." I don't know about you but everything is in the last place I look because as a general rule as soon as I find it, I stop looking. I can't ever recall saying "Hey... I found my missing sock, but I'm gonna keep looking for it some more just so it isn't in the last place I looked for it." Seems kind of stupid when you think of it.

    By definition, unless you keep looking for things after you find them, you're always... ALWAYS going to find them in the very absolute last place you look for them. Every single time without exception.

    Anyway, that's the kind of sad sad drivel that pours unbidden from my head when I try to wax philosophical. 

YAY!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER.

Jan 1st 2006

    All I can say is good riddance to an awful year. It's been the absolutely worst year of my life and I'm glad to see it end. It was a year that started in loneliness and ended exactly the same way. Goodbye goodbye goodbye.

    All that out of the way, I decided not to make any new years resolutions this year. I've decided to make new life resolutions. I'm looking forward to having a new life now and as soon as it starts I'll be happy. Here's my list of New Life Resolutions.

1. Become a good Christian.

2. Get something published.

3. Have a Grand Adventure.

4. Find another true love and soul mate.

5. See the Holy Land.

6. Give at least one year to charity.

7. Find a secret place.

8. Do something for no other reason than it's fun.

9. Figure out what my dream job is and do it.

10. Have a cottage by the sea.

    Now just by way of example , #3, #5 and #6 could very well all be done at the same time, but as soon as I have all of these checked off I would have to consider my life well spent. And considering that right now I consider myself an insignificant worm any change in opinion of myself would be greatly welcomed. Happy new year everyone.

The New Hope, The New Year.

 Dec 31st 2005

The turning of a page,

the changing of a day.

The New Year comes to life,

the old one passes away.

A new start for a new year,

all that’s old is gone for good.

A new start for a new man,

where once an old man stood.

The old year washes into the past

Like the sins from Pilate’s hands.

And the New Year like a fresh snow

spreads pure across the lands.

Untouched and pure as a lamb,

like a sinner who’s been saved.

We see it all go to our past

and lose the pain that we once craved.

The strike of 12:00, the night has gone.

The morning comes to all.

The New Year brings us faith and hope

if you listen for it’s call.

My Kids....

Dec 27th 2005

    Hey... I have the best looking kids....

Backslides, Stupidity and Dishonesty.

Dec 27th 2005

    After having an incredibly rotten day and ranting about it on my website I've learned a few important things.

#1 Don't write if you've been drinking, especially if you haven't touched a drop in over a month then decide to drown your problems in an even bigger problem.

#2 Not including names in rants can backfire on you and cause significant collateral damage to people you didn't mean to really hurt.

#3 Don't go fishing for information you really don't want to know.

#4 Don't assume anything.

#5 Don't publish until you know the facts.

    It's been a crummy week. I've always been an expert at making things crummier. By the way, I removed the rant I'm talking about so don't bother looking for it.

Sigh... It's Not Been The Best Year.

Dec 21st 2005

    What can I say about this year. "I'm glad it's almost over" ? Or maybe "This year really really really sucked." Or how about "For the first time in my entire life I'm not looking forward to Christmas." I don't really know what to say about a year like this.

    For the first time in Ten years I won't be with my Kids Christmas morning. I won't get to see them open gifts. I won't get to play with them and I won't get to have Christmas dinner with my ex-wife's family. I've gotten pretty used to the random chaos that ensues in the Patterson household on Christmas mornings. Of course it will be nice to spend Christmas with my family for a change. Nice and at the same time horrifying.

    I'm going to be absolutely inconsolably depressed Christmas day and I'll be at the Camp with my parents and whomever else is there and unable to hide or get away from everyone short of walking in the freezing cold. And I have this sinking feeling that everyone is going to be walking around going "What's wrong Dan?" which if I even try to answer will probably cause a mental breakdown on the spot.

    This year I lost my wife, got separated from my kids, lost my dogs, lost most of my friends lost my home lost my vehicle and lost a whole lot of my identity and self respect. I feel like a failure and most days I wonder if anyone even cares. But then of course there are a few people who still take notice of me.

    As depressed as I was today, a good friend came over and played cards with me till I was smiling again. Thanks for that Sydney. 

    The really ironic thing here is the first year that Christmas has taken on a deeper spiritual meaning for me is the first year I wish it wasn't going to happen. I'll just have to concentrate on the meaning of the season and try to forget everything else that's going on until I can get home by myself and just crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep until 2006.

    Today at work I had way too much time on my hands and thought way too much. It depressed the hell out of me, but something good may have come from it. I got to wondering about how I got here in my life. I never started out planning to be a failure working in a factory with rotten credit and a failed marriage. I had dreams and a vision of how I wanted to spend my life. Unfortunately, as John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." So I ended up skipping university, going to Coconut College and after one failed attempt at being a Programmer I became a factory worker. 

    Being Married gave me a purpose at least. I was doing it all for my family. Working to make their lives better. But here I am all alone now and wondering "Why?" Why do I slog to work every day when I don't want to work in a factory? What's my purpose in life now? Why do I do anything? What's the meaning in my life?

    Since becoming a Christian I've been filled with all these questions I just can't answer anymore. I look in the Bible and find some answers, but for this I need a more practical approach. I need to find some kind of meaning for myself. I want to do something meaningful in my life. I want to have an adventure.

    So I think I'm going to look into doing a mission somewhere. Being a Missionary or doing some good work somewhere and in doing that give my life a little meaning would be one of the best things I could ever do. So I'm making contact with Canadian Crossroads International to find out some information about volunteering overseas. Just to see what happens.

    Who knows, maybe I'll find a cure for all my romantic pitfalls and find some inner peace for a change.

And He's..... SAFE!!!

Nov 29th 2005

    You know, life is a lot like a ballgame sometimes. You can play it on your own, or you can listen to a coach. Some people have the ability to make the right decisions in life on their own, and some people need a little guidance. Me, I need the guidance.

    When you manage to hit the ball you know automatically what your job is. You run to first base. The opposing team is going to try their hardest to keep you from doing that. That's what they enjoy doing, seeing if they can throw you out or trip you up. All you have to do is make it to first base. That's where things get difficult. In life, like on a Baseball team you have coaches. People who will try and help you get from one point in the game to the next. Some coaches are good, some aren't. The trick is to know which ones will point you in the right direction and tell you when to run with it. The ones that are bad may, with the best of intentions, tell you to run when it isn't safe, or point you in the wrong direction or worse of all, interfere and get you thrown out of the game altogether.

    A good coach knows your abilities and knows when to tell you to run, and when to tell you to stop. Every good coach tells you to listen for instructions and keep your eye on the ball. And he knows his job is to help you get to home safe. Ultimately you are responsible for getting yourself there. You're the one who has to do the running. And when you reach homeplate, only one person gets to decide if you are safe or not. So if you don't know what your doing and you run helter skelter over the field following your own plan, you sure better hope the other team drops the ball.

Cooking for Fun and Friendly.

Nov. 23rd 2005

    This may come as a surprise to you, but someone, and I won't mention any names... Ahem... cough cough... Sydney... hack cough  has insinuated that I may or may not be somewhat negative at times. And that same someone who shall go unmentioned, except to plug Her Website, has suggested that I write something about how nice it is to cook for a friend. Well I'll tell you here and now, she's , like, way smarter than me. So I'm taking her advice. Plus she's cute and that can't be a bad thing either. So let me tell you about cooking for friends.

    You know what, I really enjoy doing it. My ex wife, to this day, still swears that I won her over with my cooking. Lord knows it wasn't money she wanted from me, because as soon as I started making some she gave me a big ole boot. Cooking is something I do well. No small amount of tooting my own horn here, I have a lot of people that will back me up on this and I come by it honestly. My mom was noted as being one of the best cooks in the area.

    But I digress a bit. I want to talk about cooking for friends. There's nothing more gratifying than hearing a friend compliment you and knowing that they aren't being the least bit facetious. It just makes me kind of beam inside, you know, the kind of smile that turns your eyes into wet lamps. I must admit, when my friend Sydney compliments my cooking, it makes me kind of smile inside. Me!!! The cranky old bastard that writes this crap for you and Lugignonie from Ulan Bator. My only two readers!!! I'm not supposed to have these kind of, ummm... what's the word for it??? ummmm.... "nice" feelings. It's a good thing Sydney's a cutie.

    But other than it making me feel good to cook for someone who's appreciative, I enjoy the fact that I made someone happy. What more could a person want that to make someone else happy. Even a Cranky guy can appreciate a real smile from someone.

    I guess the most important thing about cooking for someone else is the someone else part. I've said it many times before, but, sometimes it isn't what you do, but who you do it with that's important. I could cook for myself like that every day (which sometimes I do, but not very often) but it's just way better to do it for someone you like.

Frustration Sucks.

Nov 13th 2004

    Out of all of the things I can and can't be, frustrated is the thing I hate the most. Unfortunately for about the last week or so my life has been nothing but frustrating both emotionally and physically. 

    I'm on bereavement leave from work tonight because my Aunt died. That's a whole bunch of suck right there. I wanted to go to a benefit for my Buddy Brent last night and couldn't. My social life is a mess and even when I offered to help my ex wife last night she got mad at me. I'm getting rather tired of trying to do the right thing and getting crapped on for doing it. I'm kind of glad I don't have any booze lying around or I'd be half in the bag even as we speak. Well... probably not.

    I'm starting to understand why frustrated people turn to drugs and stuff. But me, I'm just going to sit down and breath for a bit. Then maybe OD on Ice Cream and Fudge Sauce. But despite all of this stuff that's going on in my life right now I'm still trying hard to maintain a positive, cranky attitude. I may snap at any moment though and start throwing squid at my neighbors. Maybe I should hunt down Hillary Duff and slap her with a Tactical Nuclear Frozen Mukluk. That might make me feel better.

    I may add that I did do a good deed for my neighbor today. I got her into her house when she was locked out. Her doorknob was broken and she couldn't get in, and the landlord was on his way to Windsor with a load of lambs for the slaughterhouse. So with his permission I took off her doorknob and got her in. Since none of my good deeds has gone unpunished as of late I'm sitting here patiently waiting for an anvil to fall on my head. It won't kill me of course, that would be far too easy. Instead it will render me incapable of doing anything but drool and blink. Then a nurse will wheel me into a room in front of a TV showing endless reruns of the Hillary Duff show and "That's So Raven" to be followed by "Full House" marathons.

    Sigh... What's a guy to do.

BOO!!!

Oct 31st 2005.

    So I'm sitting here waiting for all the little ghoulies to come smacking at my door when I got to thinking about how much Halloween has changed since I was a kid. When I was a kid I used to go trick or treating with my cousins, Terry and Jack. We always had handmade costumes and usually they were pretty kick ass. But we were Trick or Treat Masters. Each of us would fill one of those Orange leaf and litter bags every year, but we were very sneaky about it. We would leave the Leaf and litter bags in a safe spot and go door to door with bags that were almost empty. Sneaky little buggers, and it's no wonder my mouth is full of metal now (Still have all of my original teeth, just some are filled with metal).

    When I was a kid we used to get Candy Apples and Popcorn balls and my mother made Fudge. Every kid in our neighborhood came to my moms house for fudge at Halloween. My sisters and I got the leftovers, not that there usually was any...

    Nowadays, it's store bought stuff. Not because it's better or people are lazy, but because people are afraid of what might be in the homemade stuff. You can't give strangers kids a cookie for Halloween. It's kind of a sad commentary on the power of fear over a populace.

    We were little bastards at times too. We threw eggs at peoples houses, toilet papered the mean old mans house (which is probably why he was mean) and pulled a few small pranks over the years that will go unmentioned here.  That was all part of the fun though.

    Unfortunately I had a growth spurt when I was 11, and by the time I was 12 I was almost six feet tall. People stopped giving me treats so I just stopped going. For a few years I went to my Grandmothers and handed out treats for her. I enjoyed doing it because Nanny Helen was interesting to talk to sometimes. She was also the scariest person I ever met in my life. I'm not kidding. She weighed all of 98 lbs and everyone in my family was terrified of her. She never raised a hand against me in all of my life that I  know of, but if she looked at me with that disappointed look, I instantly shrunk to 1 inch tall and my heart painfully stopped beating and leapt directly into my throat choking me.

    Anyway, I used to go bar hopping every Halloween in costume and quite enjoyed it. At least what I remember of it. Maybe some day I'll get dressed up and go trick or treating again... well, one day on Halloween that is. I don't think people would appreciate a visit from a Zombie on Remembrance day...

Separated at Birth...

Oct. 25th 2005

    Sadly, in this day and age, twins are sometimes separated at birth by mistake or due to some other crushing concerns of the parents (adoption, white slavery... etc.)

    I'm glad to report that these two twins who were separated at birth have finally been reunited and are now reconciling their differences even though thy come from completely different ends of the political spectrum.

Sponge Bob Squarepants and Sponge Brain Squarehead.

    Thanks and enjoy your day.

Rules for being Properly Cranky.

1: If you argue Vehemently that a particular philosophy or policy is the only way to to proceed or live, argue against it twice as hard the next day.

2: Anytime you actually convince someone you are right, call them spineless then change your mind.

3: Never appreciate anyone else's taste in music, even if it's your favorite.

4: Anytime anyone has the stomach to compliment you, ask them what they want from you.

5: Anytime anyone has the good sense to insult you, cry and make them feel bad.

6: Cheat at cards.

7: Complain about work anytime anyone starts to talk.

8: Talk long and loudly about any bowel or throat surgery you may have had.

9: If anyone invites you anywhere, tell them you wouldn't be caught dead there, then show up anyway.

10: Call your local radio station and request the same stupid song every day. I suggest Monster Mash, just because they all have it and everyone in the world hates it.

11: Start a web page, be really cranky for a while, then start being better adjusted and wait till someone mentions how much nicer your writing seems, then look at them and say "Alright you sarcastic bastard, I can see there's no point in trying to change anymore" and go back to being bitter.

12: Complain about how Charlie Brown sold out his Hardcore audience in the end.

13: Call people collect.

14: Write letters to the editor complaining about people everyone likes.

15: Go to a coffee shop and order a burger and fries then act confused when they say they don't make that kind of stuff here.

16: Throw live squid at people who walk up to your house.

17: Say funny insulting stuff about yourself constantly, then act really hurt if anyone joins in on the fun.

18: Ask people if your Pants make you look fat then turn around and bend over really far. It helps if you have gas at this point.

19: Tell people how nice they look, but roll your eyes afterwards so they don't know if your serious or not and have to leave because they got so self conscious after you did it that they weren't sure whether they had some problem or not.

20: Offer people a drink, and if they accept give them one, but slip an AA pamphlet under it as a coaster.

    Anyway, I have to pass my Cranky wisdom on because about four or five months ago I made friends with someone who is so nice and impossibly cheerful that I'm finding it really hard to be properly bitter and cranky all the time now. Hopefully it's a good thing. But I'll let you all (well that guy from Latvia who reads this) know if I can manage to stay non-cranky or not. Hee Hee.

A Cheesy Problem.

Oct 17th 2005:

    I went to see "Wallace and Gromit, Curse of the Were-Rabbit" tonight. I highly recommend it to any and all Wallace and Gromit fans out there. Or just plain Big Kids like me. And little kids come to think of it. It was a laugh a minute. And I quite enjoyed the evening myself.

    I was accompanied by the owner of my favorite bookstore, the Beautiful and Vivacious Ms. Sydney Hansen, whom once again reassured my conviction that sometimes what you do isn't near as important as who you do it with. We had a nice conversation, giggled through most of the Movie then took a long walk so we could chat some more. Quite enjoyable and I hope to do it again soon. Yay!

    Anyway, Ahem, I seem to share a bit of similarity with our hero of the story, Wallace. Besides the obvious hairless head and our both being generally clueless about whats going on in our general area, we both have a fatal flaw. We're both heavy Cheese users.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, or both of you who actually read this, cheese is a monkey on the back of humanity. It's that great incredible white elephant in the center of the dining room table that no one wants to talk about. It's sucking millions of dollars out of the pockets of law abiding citizens all over the world.

    I started out rather light when I was a kid. A little Kraft Dinner here, a little Velveeta there. But then it went on to stronger stuff. Before I knew it I was up to a pound of Gorgonzola a day. I was Freebasing cheddar and injecting Ricotta directly into my veins. To get through a day of work I was sneaking Cheesies and cutting mozzarella into small cubes and pretending they were cough drops.

    I'm up to a Key a day now. The hard stuff mostly, Cheddar, Edam. I fear letting my friends know, they'll shun me. And if Sydney ever finds out about this serious character flaw I'm out of the picture for good. But I just can't seem to kick it.

    I don't drink much, and I quit smoking years ago. I've never had a drug problem so why oh why can't I kick this nasty habit. I tried once. After two days with no cheese I blacked out and woke up in a dumpster licking the cover of an old pizza box. So here I am, hoping above hope to find someone who can help me stop picking old Doritos off the ground and licking the flavour off of them. Where can I find the strength?

    I am Daniel, and I have a Cheesy problem.

Ummmm... Ahhhhhh.... Like... You Know?

Oct. 12th 2005:

    I think I have forgotten how to speak. Forget about Literacy, I'm failing basic Diction for some reason. As I have said before I work in a factory. I'm surrounded by constant blue language and I find myself using it more and more there. I'm trying to stop though. But alarmingly I've been Ummming and Ahhhhing a whole bunch lately, like my brain needs a kick start or something. Pretty soon I'll be spouting badly phrased platitudes in between bouts of awkward silence and hesitant ummms that make people think I'm lying my ass off.

    "Looks like... ahhhh ... rain there Martha" will be my daily dose of conversation, and it's debatable whether Martha will even exist at this point. I think senility will be a factor in my life. I'm darn near ... ahhh... senile as it is. My conversational skills are kind of slipping away due to disuse.

    It's not just me though. People seem to be forgetting about basic conversational skills in exchange for the verbal equivalent of grunting an answer. For example, "What are you doing tonight? I dunno" or "Why did youse axe me brudder? I ain't axin you, I'm tellun you." I remember once hearing an interview with a hockey player where the Interviewer asked the player "Where will you be playing next year?" and the player said "Well, you know, me and the, you know, coaches and the, you know, owners were, you know, talking, you know. And we decided, you know, that we should, you know, wait? You know. Not make any, you know, Important decisions until, you know, we have some time, you know, to like... ummm... Look at our options properly."

    If I ever start talking like that chain me in a basement somewhere. Sew my mouth shut and shut the door and nail over all the... you know, Windows.

    You know, I'm such a huge supporter of Multiculturalism that I could never really complain about all the new richness coming to the English language, but I'm cranky, or rather, I'm CrankyOldBastard, and I can sure as heck complain about the poorness in our language. Bottom line, If English is your first language by all means at least learn to speak it.

Good Weekend to Sit by a Nice Fire in a Fetal Position Screaming.

October 8th 2005

    Alright, it's not been the best holiday weekend I can ever remember. Matter of fact it's about the very worst one ever. I know, overdramatic Daniel. Always overdramatic...

    Anyway, I was supposed to have Thanksgiving dinner with my Parents on Thanksgiving, but work changed my schedule so I have to work Monday. Now here's the double whammy. It's the first family dinner I've had away from Angela and the kids. The triple whammy is it's the day that would have been our eighth anniversary. So how much else could be piled into one very bad depressing day. So I'm sitting here self medicating and stewing.

    They say Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for things. Well I decided because I'm kind of depressed I should take a little time to figure out what the hell is important. I am thankful for a lot of things in my life. Maybe I should spend a little time expressing it.

    I'm thankful that I'm healthy. I'm thankful that my Family is Healthy and most of my friends are.

    I'm thankful for my Family. Even my ex wife, because she is still my friend. I'm thankful for Sean and Anne just because they make me happy.

    I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for what they can teach me, and thankful that occasionally I get to teach them.

    I'm thankful for old friends like Brent, who despite being jaded and bitter about everything that ever existed still is my friend and one hell of a Dad.

    I'm thankful for new friends who engage my intelligent side and my silly side. Wallace and Gromit fans ROCK DUDE!!!

    I'm thankful that I have found some grace in my life and have learned how to appreciate the really important things in life, like just how many colors leaves turn in the fall.

    It's important to know what's  important in life. It's important to focus on the things that will really make you happy. And when these little spots of random depression invade your life, remember the people who matter and maybe give one of them a call. It's never a bad Idea to reach out. Or else buy a whole lot of beer, crawl up into a fetal position on your floor, and listen to a whole bunch of bad torch songs from the 80's. Maybe it'll work.

    Anyway... I'll be working while My parents and sisters have the dinner in one place, and my Ex and the kids have one someplace else with Angela's Friend... and I'll be humming music to myself and wishing everyone a good thought or two. Hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving. And I'll be just fine.

Life is Complicated, Even if I'm Rather Simple.

October 5th 2005:

    You know, my biggest problem in life isn't how complicated people make it for me, It's how complicated I make it for myself. I remember once reading in Walden by Thoreau that above all we should try to simplify things. Then why the heck do I keep making everything so fricken complicated.

    When I used to work as a programmer for Advanced Medical my boss used to tell me that if you make something Idiot proof, someone smart will screw it up. Well if that's the case I'm either really smart, or, more likely, really stupid.

    I grew up Catholic and lost my faith hard in the early 90's. But inside of me there was always this kind of need to express a spiritual side. That's huge complication in your life when you have a need you can't define and the only option you have to fill it is currently anathema to your world view. But that problem got solved in 2002. A born again Christian friend of mine (he wasn't my friend yet, but this is the incident that made us friends so read on Mac Duff) and I worked at Hub Meatpackers in Moncton. The guys name was Eric Benoit and when we were put together to work he very politely asked me if I was a Christian, so we could have something to talk about if I was. Me being the rather flippant jerk that I was replied "No, I'm a Buddhist." and using my then rather limited knowledge of Buddhism (and it was REAALLY limited) we had a great theological argument about Christianity 'vs' Buddhism. 

    We struck up a pretty good, if slightly odd, friendship. I ran home that night, got on the internet and learned everything I could about Buddhism so I could actually argue with him more effectively. By ten that night I looked up at my then wife Angela and said "You know dear... I think I'm a Buddhist." She rolled her eyes and walked away, but it worked for me and the more I learned the more I realized that I am on a path to enlightenment... or maybe slightly-more-smartenment.

    But anyway, back to the topic. It's really complicated my life to open my eyes and my mind to concepts I had closed them to for so many years. And it's a lot to try and teach yourself, but the internet is a really good source to learn. And if you want to complicate your life just casually mention in a factory some time that you're a Buddhist.

    Another good example of me complicating my own life... Computer. Instead of just laying on a couch enjoying some nice passive if not inane entertainment, I'm sitting here at a computer wracking my brain trying to come up with some useful Blog Fodder. 

    I learned how to play guitar years ago. It was my favorite thing to do for a long time. But now my poor anthropomorphized guitars sit sadly most days just waiting for someone to pay attention to them. And I feel guilty about not playing them for hours a day like I used to. I don't know if that's complicated or not, but it is a good spot to maybe interject a possible note on my sanity.

    And now here I go again complicating my life by getting involved with environmentalist causes. I'm a big fat glutton for self punishment . Now I have to separate, modify, reuse, recycle, reduce. Lots of stuff. But I walk almost everywhere, so that's gotta count for something. And the Wal-mart... How will it get along without me.

    Like I said, I do more to complicate my own life than anyone else does. So maybe I should just rant at myself instead of posting it here for all of the two or three people whom read it. Of course that will have the neighbors wondering.

Lewd, Rude and Occasionally Crude... 

(But otherwise normal.)

    Oct. 1st 2005:

    How normal is it to swear? Honestly now. How often do you cuss or swear or fly off and shout out a blue streak. I keep telling myself I'm going to stop using bluer language and become a more acceptable guy, but then I go to work and every second word is the dreaded "F" word. It even creeps into my writing because when I went through the Archive it popped up four times. Maybe it's because it's such a useful word being a Pronoun, verb adverb and adjective. Just to easy to use it when you can't think of a better word.

    Think about it this way. If I were to say "Fred, that unfeeling lout, got me in an awful bind because he informed the superiors about my work habits and personal work ethic." I would probably get beat up or ostracized  but if I say it more like "Fred, that f**king f**k, f**ked me over and rat f**ked me to the F**ko's over f**king shit that's none of his f**king business." then I'm safe.

    It's a very short well defined sentence that won't get you beat up at work, but try saying it to your pastor at church. It's very funny how the situation changes the acceptable behavior. Another example, if I stood up at a rock concert and shouted out "ALL RIGHT DUDE!!! F**KING PARTY ON DUDE!!!" no one would even bat an eyelid at me. But try it at an Opera. They tend to frown on it.

    Anyway, this is a dumb update. I'll try to be better next time. Just remember, anything that's acceptable where you are right now, may get you in trouble somewhere else.

Environmental Bastard.

Sept 24th 2005.

I went to a book reading at my favorite local bookshop the Good Words Bookshop , hosted by the Beautiful and Vivacious Ms. Sydney Hansen, and was quite entertained by the author, a certain Ms. Nancy Jack Todd. She wrote a book called "A Safe and Sustainable World : The Promise of Ecological Design" which can be purchased here. I was very interested to hear her talk about the founding of her organization and how it developed into Ocean Arks International. After the reading and talk she took questions and then everyone in the bookstore took a turn introducing themselves.

I was fine with that, except I was way out of my league. It generally went like this "Hi I am Fill In Name here and I am a member of Fill in Name of Environmental/political group here . I've been working to save the environment since birth and I've  just (either written a book or personally saved a whale). My own talk went more like "Hi... I'm Daniel, and I'm really out of place here. I work for the Biggest polluter in the province... and I'm just starting to come out of the wilderness again..."

That got me to thinking a lot. All night people were talking about the "Ah Ha!" moment where they realized they were an environmentalist. Everyone was chatting about how they were politically active and a member of the seirra club and how they were longtime NDP voters. Actually, Mrs. Todds Sister, Barbara Jacks, ran for the NDP in this area for ages.

So anyway, here I was in this group of very active environmentalists wondering where the hell I went wrong. I was searching for my "Un-Ah-Ha" moment when my ideals went south for a good long time. 

I remember back in school when I was always involved in Environmental causes and was a bit of a jerk about it. Of course I hunted and stuff too, but I was an environmentalist hunter. I had a hate on for clear cutting and single species tree replanting. I was appalled at the damage strip mining caused. I was against over hunting because it would eventually ruin it for all of us. 

I remember spending an earth day sitting outside the post office in Springhill with my Buddy and my guitar playing Bob Dylan tunes and collecting money for environmental causes. I collected $35.76  for Greenpeace. And it was a crappy rainy day too.

I remember circulating a petition to ban Pesticides and Chemicals at the Lions Park in Springhill.

I remember caring about stuff.

I can't pinpoint the moment in my life where I stopped caring, but I think it had something to do with working for Seagull Pewter and Silversmiths ltd. They treated their employees like crap but went on and on about how the "Seagull Foundation" was doing lots and lots for the environment. It's hard to work for people who don't care about whether you live or die then watch them brag up planting a million trees worldwide. They weren't paying us a living wage but could afford to send people to Clayoquot sound. It was truly disheartening.

So I developed a huge pragmatic streak. I started shopping at Wal-Mart and buying cheap coffee. I bought from huge chains because they're cheaper instead of keeping the money in the region and supporting regional development. I ignored the fact that the clothes I was buying were created by Chinese ten year olds because I would save three bucks off the cost of a similar Canadian produced Item. I felt inconvenienced by mandatory recycling rules.

In short, I became the jerk I used to hate. And I passed it on to my kids. My kids love Wal-Mart and don't really care about anything environmental. Sean loves to fish and stuff, but he doesn't have a concept of how to be a good earth citizen. But that's changing.

Hi, my names Dan, and I'm a Wal-Mart-aholic. It's been two months since I shopped at Wal-Mart and I'm feeling better about myself already. I'm going to join the Sierra Club and my main goal in life right now is to make a new home for myself that's ecologically and environmentally as well as economically sound. Maybe a Straw Bale house. But that's getting ahead of myself. For now I just want to take each day one step at a time and try my best to be the best earthling I can be.

Pride and Prejudice.

Sept 19th 2005

    There aren't a lot of things I'm real proud of doing in my life. Being Anne and Sean's Dad springs to mind. There were lots of times I was ungodly proud of some rather stupid things I did, only to look back at them later on and think "What the hell did I do that for." I'm proud of some of the friendships I've made in life. I was proud of my Marriage, and now I'm proud we could end it as adults instead of bickering like children.

    I've been proud of my kids many times. Anne's made the honor roll time after time. Sean is an athlete and even has won a provincial baseball championship this year. They're both great kids and how could you not be proud of them.

    The one thing in my life I'm not so proud of is the fact that I took up smoking. The stupid part here is I knew what it would do to me, and I did it anyway. When I sit back and think of all the money I wasted on Cigarettes It almost makes me sick. All the time, all the energy and all the health. But that also lead to the one thing that I did that I'm really totally proud of in my life.

    I'm proud of me for quitting smoking. Anyone who is a non smoker can't really understand that statement. They haven't gone through what you go through in order to quit. They don't understand the headaches and the chills. The shakes and the craving. The constant unnerving craving. They just don't get it until they get hooked on heroin or something, then they understand. I tried quitting off and on for a few years but I was never quite able to do it. I tried cutting down, and got down to about four cigs a day, but those were the most addictive four cigs you would ever want to lay your lips on. I tried nicotine gum, but it was hard to keep lit. I tried the patch, but it was hard to roll tobacco in it. none of it worked until I was finally ready to quit. But when I was ready, dammit I WAS READY!!!

    Here's the story. Round about five years ago I was a very unhappy guy. I hated my job (Seagull Pewter), I hated most of the people I worked with, and worst of all I hated me. Even then I was seeing the relationship between my wife and I starting to deteriorate. I tried to be the person she wanted me to be but was failing miserably at it. I never had any money to do anything and I was sadly lacking in friends due to my constant moving about. Now usually when I get to feeling this way it's time to move on somewhere and start over again. But I wanted to make my family work. And they wanted to stay put so I was at a loss of how to solve this dilemma in my life.

    Now it just so happened that on that particular day my supervisor gave me a hard time for doing what I was told to do. I was working in casting doing a special order from DC comics of Green Lantern figurines. I consulted with the self styled "Best Caster in the Company" Gerald Oakley and he told me to use high speed and a really high pressure to cast this particular item. So I did, and they looked O.K. to me, but when they got to soldering they wouldn't fit on the bases properly. So they came and chewed me out, then moved me out of casting for the rest of the week. So I fumed and fretted and went out for a smoke and sat there thinking to myself "Something has to change, what can I do to make my life better? I was sitting there with a smoke in my mouth and staring at the sailor on the package of Players Light (Light cigarettes... Maybe I'd get Cancer light, or Mild Emphysema.) and that's when it hit me. Smoking was responsible for all of my woes in life. They were the reason I had a crappy job, they were the reason I couldn't afford a decent car. They were responsible for all my friends moving away to better places and they were the reason my wife was starting to become distant.

    Alright, of course I realized that they weren't really responsible for all of that. It's just at that instant in my life they became the effigy of everything that was going wrong in my life. And baby... that was one effigy I wasn't burning anymore. So I went home and gave my smokes to Angela and told her "I've had it, something in my life has to change and that something is SMOKING!!!"

    I lasted two and a half days before I went back. But that was the impetus that lead to Angela and me going to see our Doctor to get a prescription for Zyban. I was on it for two weeks when I had an allergic reaction to it. Angela got sick and had to go off of it. But by then we were both smoke free for a week. And that's all it took.

    For a while our lives got better. We went some places we couldn't afford before. We played with the kids in the yard. We made some new friends. We leased a brand new Toyota Echo. But alas, all good things come to an end and I ended up having to quit my job in order to maintain my sanity, but that's a story for another day.

    It's been five years since we quit smoking. Sadly, Angela started back again this year when her mother was hospitalized and died. I hope she is able to quit again soon because it was the cigarettes that killed her mom. I've put a quitmeter at the bottom of the page just to remind me what I've managed to save myself and my body from.

QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

A Long Bout of Boredom.

Sept. 15th 2005

    You know, there are a lot of people out there who would like nothing more than to sit at home and draw unemployment for the rest of their lives. I personally detest it and it's been a rotten few months for me sitting around in this boring apartment waiting for my life to happen. I don't get it. How can anyone be happy sitting around all day watching TV. and watching the world happen because they can't afford to join in it. I was making a slim $1024.00 a month on Unemployment insurance. That had to cover everything. After I paid all my bills every month I had $160.00 for food. I could make that work no problem. But it meant I had no money for any kind of entertainment whatsoever.

    So after a couple of months of relying on the library for all my entertainment needs (and TV of course) I finally had had enough and broke down and bought the new computer (I didn't incur any new bills to do this, I merely extended the loan I had for Angela's Van.) and took $17.95 of my precious food money to put it towards an unmercifully slow dial up connection from Abhoracom.

    Even with a computer, TV and reading I've been unendingly bored bored bored. And the unemployment thing had gotten to the point where I was looking in Ontario and out west for work. I applied for every single job posting that came up at work.  I did everything I could to get back to the world of the working. THANK MY LUCKY STARS today Poly Cello called me back to work.

    I mean, I live around the corner from just about every bar in Amherst as well as the theater. I haven't seen a single movie (except for Star Wars Episode III with Sean) since I moved here, and that includes rentals. Being on UIC sucks large ones. And yet there are a lot of people out there thinking how lucky I was to have the summer off. Of course I couldn't do ANYTHING for the whole damn summer.

    Makes me wonder why people abuse welfare and UIC. It just wrecks things for the people who really need it.

Child of the 80's

August 9th 2005

By Cracky, yes, I am a child of the 80's. In 1980 I entered high school (Jr. High to be exact) 12 years old at the turn of the decade. The So So seventies were gone and the Heady eighties were just getting started. Deely Boppers were cool and Disco was dead (at least until the 90's it was.)

In 1980, Jr got shot, and John Lennon got Martyred. CNN was launched and Bill gates Licensed MS DOS to IBM. It was a new decade of "ME ME ME" and I was a silly kid headed into the world of confusion and hormones. The only thing I was sure of was that Music was starting to get kinda weird.

I became a metal head for most of the 80's because Pop music never really appealed to me. I went to dances though and did the white guy shuffle to such  80's classics as "Billy Jean" and "My Angel is A Centerfold." I enjoyed slow dancing with the babes to such classics as "Time after Time" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" but the entire time I was trying hard not to like the inane pop crap that belched from overpowered dance systems at the old high school Hop and Bop.

I grew up listening to Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Def Leppard, Black Sabbath, Ozzy Ozbourne and Alice Cooper. The heavier the better. Motorhead was a fav of mine. Anything not like the radio friendly crap constantly being spewed by my musically challenged friends.

I took up Guitar when I was 16, taught by a high school teacher named Leon Doiron. Since I started with (surprisingly) an acoustic he taught me to finger pick and play folk music and a lot of alternative stuff. I also began to experience a great appreciation for Classical Music and older bands like Zeppelin etc. It was a very creative and emotionally fulfilling time for me. I wrote a lot of bad poetry and even more horrid songs. But I was a kid of course. That's to be expected. The wording was strong and childish and very precocious. Just like most teenage boys trying hard to develop into the men they would one day become.

I'm the tall guy in the center... The 80's weren't always kind...

So I passed through the 80's with a deep abiding love of music and a deep abiding hate of popular music. The 90's were even worse for me. Dance music just sucked, and Rap, while it might be nice poetry, was and is horrid music.

Now here we are in 2005, and I'm longing for my hey days of the 80's. When friendships were stronger and experiences were new and we weren't bitter or tired of life. So you would think I would long for the music I listened to back in those days. The Iron Maiden, The AC/DC, The hard rocking one hit wonders I thought would rule the world like Accept and Anvil and RATT etc. etc. etc. Well here's the problem. Although I still love all that stuff, I find myself downloading Cyndi Lauper and Thomas Dolby and Naked Eyes and Flock of Seagulls and Nina and Denise Williams and Bonnie Tyler and Loverboy and Rick Springfield and Styx and Larry Gowan and The Buggles and Devo and Simple Minds and Billy Idol and The Bangles and the Go Go's and a hundred other vapid pop pieces that I hated back when they were popular.

I'm sure it's just a longing for something else. A need for the friends I had in days of yore. A wish that I had someone to talk to who could understand all the stresses in my life right now. A wish to go back to that nigh on the beach when me and a few friends celebrated my 15th birthday by getting plastered and strolling around chatting to whomever. A wish to go back to the night when I rewrote the words to "Jack and Dianna". Just a wish for people who know where I come from, because I'm damned short of those kind of people in my life right now.

It's just selfish wishing. If you wish in one hand and shit in the other, which one will fill up first?

Anyway, the self pity train is about to leave the station for a while. And the either the Fuck the World train or the calm serenity train will replace it. so later all. But if you want to test your 80's lyric ability, try this quiz.

YAY!!!

    Sept 2nd 2005

    Nyah nyah na nyah nyah.... My boy won the provincial championships. Nyaaaaahhh nyah. 

    Sometimes it pays to live vicariously through your kids. This weekend past My son's Pee Wee Baseball team won the Nova Scotia Rec Division Championships. It was a bit of a blowout. The closest any team came to them was a 7-0 win over Cheticamp in the finals. After four years of finnishing second the boys just got tired and decided to do it but good for once. Heres some pics.

The Winning Team!

Sean gets his Gold Medal

Angela gets her head shaved on the pitchers mound.

    I can honestly say I'm absolutely proud of the boys (and girl). They played fair and hard with an almost unbeatable defense. If they had of played in the A division they would have had a fair chance at winning that I think. But that may just be pride speaking.

    Sometimes it pays to live vicariously through your kids.

    On a sad note, the Coach for the Cheticamp team showed a whole lot of bad taste and unsportsman like conduct in the final game. He continually kept shouting that his team was "The best Rec division team at the tournament" (Suggesting that Oxford was an A or AA team, which they weren't.) Accusing kids of cheating is one of the most childish things a coach and parent can do at a minor sporting event.

    To make matters even worse, When they were giving out the M.V.P. for the game (The opposing team chooses each other teams M.V.P.) I personally overheard the coaches from Cheticamp say "Give it to the girl... She only played two innings." I didn't have a problem with that. Little girl Rae Rae is one of the best young ball players I know. And she is only Mosquito age playing in a Pee Wee tournament. Besides, it seemed mighty strange that Cheticamp was the only team in the tournament with no girls on the team.

    It's sad that sometimes people like this get involved in minor sports. When he could have been using this opportunity to help his kids gain character and learn sportsmanship he instead taught them to be childish and petty.

    But hey... I digress. My boy won the Provincials... Nyah Nyah Na Nyah nyah....

All I Can Say

Sept 2nd 2005:

    All I can say about this week is....

    Thank you for your time... I'm gonna go get Liquored now.

Bullies.

August 24th 2005

You know, a lot of you may find this hard to believe, but I was bullied a bit as a kid. In elementary school I was bullied by Wesley G. and later in Junior High a guy named Richard J. had a pick on me.

I find it funny now. Wes meets me eye to nipple and Rich acts like we were best buddies from ages ago . They pretty much stopped around Grade nine. I don't know why I was still afraid of fighting back. Up until Grade ten that is when I beat the living hell out of some kid for trying to push me around at the arcade. But other than that I never did stand up to bullies very much in high school. I should have.

I've seen the wrecks that bullies create. Kids that have killed themselves because they can't stand the names and pain anymore. It's kind of sad. But in truth, we all have to remember that bullies are only bullies because they're afraid of something. Their afraid of being made fun of for some reason or another so they torment someone else so no one notices what their perceived flaw is. Wesley was short, and he hated his real first name (which was Clarence by the way). Richard came from a poor family and was likely abused by his older brother. Almost everyone smaller than him was abused by his brother at some point. They acted out of fear and anger not at me but at themselves. So I forgave them ages ago.

But still, I should have stood up to the bullies that were tormenting people in school. I just didn't have the courage to do it at the time. I should have stood up for the King kid who was different, but not unworthy. He got tormented so much he left school. I should have stood up for everyone. The fact that I stand up for people now doesn't really erase the fact that I didn't do it then. Because every time I gave a bully an audience, I gave him the power to bully. Every time I see people stand up to a bully he always seems to end up backing down. It's just a sign of how big a coward they really are.

Dammit... Who let that Frigging Fundamentalist in Here.

(Please note I don't actually dislike God or Christians, just hypocrites.)

    August 21st 2005

You know, I'm not very fond of God. If he exists I'm not on speaking terms with him because I don't much like the way he's been managing the universe.  All that said I don't generally hold other peoples deeply held personal spiritual beliefs against them. I had a good friends when I was working at Hub Meatpackers who was a Born Again Christian.

As a general rule the only people whom I hold their beliefs against them are people who only talk a good game. If they talk one way and act another, I have no use for them. George Bush for example. Preaches the gospel of the Prince of Peace and his actions couldn't be inspired by anyone but Satan.

But I digress. The point behind this post is how much I hate it when other people try to foist their beliefs on me. Prime example. Conservative Christians thought gay marriage violated gods laws, so they don't want it to be legal in Canada despite the support given to equality by the majority of Canadians. I don't care if you don't like it. If you don't like it then don't attend any gay weddings and don't perform any in your church. But don't you dare try to force your views on me or my friends. Gay people have every right in the world to marry, as far as I'm concerned,  and considering marriage existed in ancient Sumeria about a thousand years before even the old testament books were being acted out you have a lot of nerve telling people that gods law is being violated. But of course a Born Again Christian is in denial about the age of the Earth anyway.

Another case in point, Abortion. There are a great many people in the world who are dead set against Abortion. I respect their opinion. But they keep telling me they think Abortion is wrong, don't "YOU" have one (which of course I can't because I'm a dude.). You know what, it's none of their fricking business what I or anyone else does with their bodies. If I want to prevent an unwanted child from being brought into this world then that's MY decision. Not theirs. They say it violates Gods laws... Well fine, I'll pay my dues when I stand tall before him. Not before them.

If you ever want a buzz kill invite a Conservative of any type to a party and tell him why you think Marijuana should be legalized.

Holy Schlamoley!!

I'm Back!!!

    Hey all, been a bit but I'm back. Just to fill you all in (and by all I mean both of the people who come here to pity my loss of sanity.) I'm separated from my wife now. We're still friends but we have no plans to reconcile. I'm unemployed right now but it's a temporary lay off I expect to end by next week or the beginning of September.

    Just to keep you up to date...

I just purchased a new computer.

My sister Kelly got married.

My Mother in Law Passed away, I miss her.

My Son is playing in the provincial Pee Wee Baseball championships this year.

I'm living in Amherst Nova Scotia now.

My Daughter passed with honours this year.

I'm bored and occasionally depressed but I'm trying to get on with my life.

I'm committed to being a positive person from now on.

I found a really cool book store around the corner from me. www.GoodWordsBookshop.com

Life is slowly getting better.

Beer still tastes good.

The Distinct Stages of an End of the Peter Pan Syndrome almost Midlife Crisis

Feb 25th 2005.

    Have you ever wondered about the stages of a midlife crisis? well here they are. 

STAGE 1: You think life is grand and everything is going great. You just turned 36 and life is good. You work hard trying to get ahead but something always seems to set you back a couple of paces. We call this stage the "Still trying to look like a fatter version of the teens and twenties you. It looks like this....

STAGE 2: You realize that your childhood is over and you will never be able to go back to it. Your fond memories of childhood begin to take on kind of a melancholy tinge. You start to realize that you may never again feel things as intensely or make friends that were as meaningful ever again. This stage is called the "I'm O.K. with being fatter, but I want to look different stage." It looks like this...

STAGE 3: Finally we have the acceptance phase. The phase where you realize that all of your delusions and dreams of grandeur were never all that likely to come true.  You come to accept that your life isn't a millionaires dream cruise, you aren't going to be a rock star and that Yes... someone does have to be a factory worker and your damn lucky to have found one that pays well and you actually enjoy doing. It's the phase where you look at yourself and say... Fuck it, I'm just gonna have some fun with my life.. We call this the "Bald" stage and it looks like this...

    Life would be so much simpler if we could just be born at stage three.

Considering the Future.

Feb 9th 2005

    I'm not really the type to put too much consideration into my future. That's probably why I took up smoking when I was younger not realizing what a hard time I would have quitting (five years smoke free thank you very much).

    Lately I've had cause to think about what I want out of my future and how I want to spend the "Golden Years" of my life. I'd always figured I'd spend my golden years hanging out in Canada bitching about my tiny pension and avoiding contact with my wife. You know, the way all Canucks spend their later years. I was hoping maybe I'd put together enough money to maybe spend my winters in Florida or California. That ain't gonna happen. Unless I win the lottery, which I hardly ever play anyway.

    Now I'm kind of leaning towards becoming an eccentric sandal wearing weirdo living in a tropical third world paradise. It's just a matter of picking the right one.

    I have some very tight criteria it has to follow in order for me to consider it the right place. First of all the government has to be stable and the people basically friendly, or at least friendlier than people from New York. Second, it has to be a place where the average family exists on the equivalent of $20.00 a month in today's dollars.

    My final important criteria is it has to be a place that Canadians like to go to to get away from the winter. Touristy enough that I'll get to talk to my fellow countrymen as often as possible.

    Right now I'm leaning towards a beachside shack in Puerto Plata in the Dominican republic. I figure that way I could live like a king, or at least like a duke, on my pathetic pension.

    I know it's a bit of a pipe dream, but It's all that's gonna keep me going for the next little while. Besides, in 29 years when I retire maybe Canada will be the third world tourist trap. 

More Rants about Bush.

Feb 7th 2005

    I see on the news that Dubya has decided to ensure future Republican victories by cutting education funding again. I don't get it. He gutted the USA's social funding, put limits on their precious freedoms, lied to them about his war for oil, killed thousands of innocent bystanders to get his oil, destroyed the USA's reputation on the world stage and yet still won a majority government. Thats just insane. He's relied on the stupidity of the average American voter and the greed of the rest to get him elected.

    I got this excerpt fromCBS's posting. "About one-third of the programs being targeted for elimination are in the Education Department, including federal grant programs for local schools in such areas as vocational education, anti-drug efforts and Even Start, a $225 million literacy program." I guess Dubya figures if he keeps them dumb and drug addicted he can keep them voting for his monetary interests.

    So he's wrecked the US economy now and mortgaged the future generations lives out. His fear mongering has reduced a once proud nation to a bunch of sniveling paranoids who seem to think war is the only way to accomplish their goals and in the mean time have ensured future generations of soap box radicals will have plenty of young minds to warp into blowing themselves up for the sake of their race/religion. All they have to do is point to the USA's actions and they could raise up (and apparently have) tens of thousands of suicidal maniacs to act against the US and it's allies.

    C'est la vie. Who am I to second guess the American electorate. They vote for someone they like and identify with. I wonder if they relate to the semi literate liar aspect or to the failed businessman ensuring his future wealth aspect while making sure the poor get even poorer.

    Anyway... he can only stay for a few more years. And with any luck sanity will someday prevail in the USA.

A Christmas Present for the

Whole World.

    You can all thank me later. But seriously folks, we all had a very nice Christmas here. It was peaceful and very enjoyable. Here's a few pics of the festivities.

Sean opens a gift

Anne does the same.

Angela is dumbfounded by her present.

A family ring.

Angela's Brother David being himself.

Angela's Mom opens her present.

The house was so crowded a few of us decided to eat on the

nice cool porch. That's me, the big fat guy with the Goatee in the

foreground.

Angela and her Brother Darren

The Kids sit down to dinner, only Arron would wreck a 

perfectly good turkey dinner with Ketchup

Angelas Dad and Brother relax and chat a bit

Me and Angela at the neighbors Christmas day

(Note the Hat)

Visiting the neighbors.

    Anyway, I have about a mazillion other pics that would bog down your bandwidth drastically for a while. If you want a few then email me. I'll send you off enough to make your service provider flip out at you for eating all of your neighbors bandwidth for an hour.

Philosophical Ponderings.

Dec 5th 2004

    Why do they call it a pair of pants? There's only one of them.

    If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

    Why do people say "It's always in the last place you look for it." It doesn't make sense because unless you're inclined to continuing to look for things after you have found them, then everything is in the last place you look for it.

    Why is it that everyone thinks they are a good driver?

    What's another word for thesaurus?

    If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

    If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

    Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

    They call a fly a fly, why don't they call an ant a walk.

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

10 Reasons A Beer is Better Than

George W. Bush

1. If you stop drinking beer, eventually you will stop being stupid.

2. Religious people avoid you if you are drinking beer.

3. A Beer has Taste.

4. If you don't like a brand after the first four beers you can just go out and buy a different brand, you don't need to worry about the electoral college screwing that up.

5. If you don't want a beer from Texas, don't drink it.

6. It's much easier to get beer from Canada than to immigrate to get away from that moron.

7. Both Bush and Beer are much more enjoyable if chilled to 36 degrees Fahrenheit for 72 hours.

8. Alcoholism is way easier to kick than religious fundamentalism.

9. A beer can't load the supreme court with fascists.

10. A beer isn't racist, sexist, homophobic or anything else. If you give a beer head that's a good thing.

22 More Reasons To Hate George Bush.

1. In December 2001, the United States officially withdrew from the 1972 Antiballistic Missile Treaty, gutting the landmark agreement-the first time in the nuclear era that the US renounced a major arms control accord.

2. 1972 Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention ratified by 144 nations including the United States. In July 2001 the US walked out of a London conference to discuss a 1994 protocol designed to strengthen the Convention by providing for on-site inspections. At Geneva in November 2001, US Undersecretary of State John Bolton stated that "the protocol is dead," at the same time accusing Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Libya, Sudan, and Syria of violating the Convention but offering no specific allegations or supporting evidence.

3. UN Agreement to Curb the International Flow of Illicit Small Arms, July 2001: the US was the only nation to oppose it.

4. April 2001, the US was not re-elected to the UN Human Rights Commission, after years of withholding dues to the UN (including current dues of $244 million)-and after having forced the UN to lower its share of the UN budget from 25 to 22 percent. (In the Human Rights Commission, the US stood virtually alone in opposing resolutions supporting lower-cost access to HIV/AIDS drugs, acknowledging a basic human right to adequate food, and calling for a moratorium on the death penalty.)

5. International Criminal Court (ICC) Treaty, to be set up in The Hague to try political leaders and military personnel charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity. Signed in Rome in July 1998, the Treaty was approved by 120 countries, with 7 opposed (including the US). In October 2001 Great Britain became the 42nd nation to sign. In December 2001 the US Senate again added an amendment to a military appropriations bill that would keep US military personnel from obeying the jurisdiction of the proposed ICC.

6. Land Mine Treaty, banning land mines; signed in Ottawa in December 1997 by 122 nations. The United States refused to sign, along with Russia, China, India, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, Vietnam, Egypt, and Turkey. President Clinton rejected the Treaty, claiming that mines were needed to protect South Korea against North Korea's "overwhelming military advantage." He stated that the US would "eventually" comply, in 2006; this was disavowed by President Bush in August 2001.

7. Kyoto Protocol of 1997, for controlling global warming: declared "dead" by President Bush in March 2001. In November 2001, the Bush administration shunned negotiations in Marrakech (Morocco) to revise the accord, mainly by watering it down in a vain attempt to gain US approval.

8. In May 2001, refused to meet with European Union nations to discuss, even at lower levels of government, economic espionage and electronic surveillance of phone calls, e-mail, and faxes (the US "Echelon" program),

9. Refused to participate in Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD)-sponsored talks in Paris, May 2001, on ways to crack down on off-shore and other tax and money-laundering havens.

10. Refused to join 123 nations pledged to ban the use and production of anti-personnel bombs and mines, February 2001

11. September 2001: withdrew from International Conference on Racism, bringing together 163 countries in Durban, South Africa

12. International Plan for Cleaner Energy: G-8 group of industrial nations (US, Canada, Japan, Russia, Germany, France, Italy, UK), July 2001: the US was the only one to oppose it.

13. Enforcing an illegal boycott of Cuba, now being made tighter. In the UN in October 2001, the General Assembly passed a resolution, for the tenth consecutive year, calling for an end to the US embargo, by a vote of 167 to 3 (the US, Israel, and the Marshall Islands in opposition).

14. Comprehensive [Nuclear] Test Ban Treaty. Signed by 164 nations and ratified by 89 including France, Great Britain, and Russia; signed by President Clinton in 1996 but rejected by the Senate in 1999. The US is one of 13 nonratifiers among countries that have nuclear weapons or nuclear power programs. In November 2001, the US forced a vote in the UN Committee on Disarmament and Security to demonstrate its opposition to the Test Ban Treaty.

15. In 1986 the International Court of Justice (The Hague) ruled that the US was in violation of international law for "unlawful use of force" in Nicaragua, through its actions and those of its Contra proxy army. The US refused to recognize the Court's jurisdiction. A UN resolution calling for compliance with the Court's decision was approved 94-2 (US and Israel voting no).

16. In 1984 the US quit UNESCO (UN Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization) and ceased its payments for UNESCO's budget, over the New World Information and Communication Order (NWICO) project designed to lessen world media dependence on the "big four" wire agencies (AP, UPI, Agence France-Presse, Reuters). The US charged UNESCO with "curtailment of press freedom," as well as mismanagement and other faults, despite a 148-1 in vote in favor of NWICO in the UN. UNESCO terminated NWICO in 1989; the US nonetheless refused to rejoin. In 1995 the Clinton administration proposed rejoining; the move was blocked in Congress and Clinton did not press the issue. In February 2000 the US finally paid some of its arrears to the UN but excluded UNESCO, which the US has not rejoined.

17. Optional Protocol, 1989, to the UN's International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, aimed at abolition of the death penalty and containing a provision banning the execution of those under 18. The US has neither signed nor ratified and specifically exempts itself from the latter provision, making it one of five countries that still execute juveniles (with Saudi Arabia, Democratic Republic of Congo, Iran, Nigeria). China abolished the practice in 1997, Pakistan in 2000.

18. 1979 UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women. The only countries that have signed but not ratified are the US, Afghanistan, Sao Tome and Principe.

19. The US has signed but not ratified the 1989 UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which protects the economic and social rights of children. The only other country not to ratify is Somalia, which has no functioning government.

20. UN International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, 1966, covering a wide range of rights and monitored by the Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights. The US signed in 1977 but has not ratified.

21. UN Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide, 1948. The US finally ratified in 1988, adding several "reservations" to the effect that the US Constitution and the "advice and consent" of the Senate are required to judge whether any "acts in the course of armed conflict" constitute genocide. The reservations are rejected by Britain, Italy, Denmark, the Netherlands, Spain, Greece, Mexico, Estonia, and others.

22. Is the status of "we're number one!" Rogue overcome by generous foreign aid to given less fortunate countries? The three best aid providers, measured by the foreign aid percentage of their gross domestic products, are Denmark (1.01%), Norway (0.91%), and the Netherlands (0.79), The three worst: USA (0.10%), UK (0.23%), Australia, Portugal, and Austria (all 0.26).

(source http://www.motherearth.org )

Nov 11th 2004:

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I'll keep the faith.

Oh My God... The Moron Actually Won...

Nov 6th 2004

    Let me just say I was shocked to find out that the twit won a second term. I gave the US a little credit for intelligence. Maybe a bit too much. It's that streak of self absorbency that seems to pervade the American psyche and makes them think that they are the only people in the world who matter. They've placed their need for security above their needs for a good economy, a good reputation and freedom. The Daily Mirror summed it all up for me.

    It was a good front page, and sadly apt. I was also looking at a table that correlated the average IQ of a state and who they voted for. It is said to have once been published in the book IQ and the Wealth of Nations but it doesn't appear in the current edition.

    I think the more telling (and infinitely more verifiable) factoid is that the higher the average level of education in a state, the more likely it was to go to Kerry. The District of Columbia had the highest percentage of college grads (42.5%) and the lowest percentage of Bush voters (9%); West Virginia had the lowest percentage grads (16.1%) and a relatively high percentage (56%) of Bush voters......  The last 14 ranking states in grads (Less than 22%) were all Bush winners (many 55-60+% voted for Bush), and 11 of the top 14 ranking states in grads (Greater than 30%) were Kerry winners. ( source http://chrisevans3d.com/files/iq.htm )

    I've made it pretty plain in the past how I feel about Bush. And although I wasn't fond of Kerry either he was so infinitely the better choice of the two that I can't believe he lost to someone as stupid and annoying as Bush. It's lead Americans to beleive that what other nations have thought about the USA in the past is true. They're a bunch of stupid easily fooled dumbasses. Well, at least 59 054 087 of them are uncultured morons.

Halloween HavoK

Oct 24th 2004

    We decided to go out to a Halloween dance this weekend. It was an odd opportunity for grown adults to act like Kids. It was a whole lotta fun even if I didn't take the opportunity to get a costume myself. Next year I'm going to go as a transformer as soon as I figure out how to get my head to fold up into my ass.

Pocahontas, a random witch and Zorro's aunt at the festivities.

    I didn't drink this year. I just wasn't in the mood at the time. So instead I acted as sober driver for some friends instead of us all walking too and from the dance. It was quite packed this year.

Two Republicans and a Nader supporter.

    I must say being sober around a bunch of drunks who are pretending to be other people and or things is quite interesting at times. You'd be surprised how interesting. I wonder how Interesting I get at those times?

Jason with his buddy the invisible floating hand of

Dr. Nobody

    There were the usual cast of Pirates, ghouls, and historical figures. Also about four Sumo Wrestlers. But the thing I noticed the most was how few original costumes there were this year. Everyone seems to have bought theirs off the shelf or rented it.

Arch Villainess "Pumpkin Girl" carries off the recently

slain body of Minnie Mouse. Will Mickey be next?

    Anyway, I took a whole bunch of pics, so here they are. I know, I'm becoming a lazy writer.

Miss Teen Chernobyl puts in an appearance.

Jason gets ready to violently dismember my recently bald wife

and some guy who leapt into the picture at the last moment.

Disco Stu likes to Par-tay down.

Funk-master Flash gets caught pimping his own ride.

WWE stars Dwayne "Legend Killer" Brown and David "Chunky Love Chub" Brown

anounce that the last name thing isn't coincidental and they are actually married.

Brandon Lee's ghost tries to do in Johnny Depp

A full and satisfied Brandon Lee after feasting on 

Johnny Depps rather lackluster soul.

INSURANCE...

WHAT A RACQUET

October 20th 2004:

    All right, so here's the thing. Every driver in Canada is REQUIRED to have insurance in order to drive. It is a crime to drive without insurance. Therefore, Insurance companies should not be allowed to gouge consumers on prices right?

    There are multiple insurance companies in every town and area so free market economy trends would dictate that a consumer would have a multitude of price ranges to choose from right?

    The government because it requires people to have insurance should also provide to those same people a low cost no frills not for profit alternative run by the government in order to keep price levels at reasonable levels right?

    The law is also written to keep insurance companies from banding together to inflate prices artificially by making informal deals to not put prices below certain ranges right?

    The law protects consumers from being discriminated against based on Race Age and Gender right?

    The government would never allow insurance companies which already make BILLIONS of dollars to make even higher profits by limiting liability claims the companies have to make right?

    All I have to say on the subject is F@#K Insurance companies and F@#K the government too. What a bunch of crooked bastards they are.

Pride and Prejudice and More Prejudice.

October 11th 2004

    There are very few things in this world that make me crankier than prejudice. It really doesn't matter to me what kind of prejudice it is, but any time someone forms a preconceived notion about someone else based on a physical or cultural difference it just makes me boil.

    Now lets get something completely straight here. I'm a white middle class mid thirties male and so I never had to deal with a lot of prejudice... until... I got Tattooed. 

    I'm not saying getting Tattooed was a mistake. Far from it. I'm proud of the artwork I display on my skin. I plan to get more. But for some dumb reason there are people out there who assume that I must be (1) Stupid (2) A Criminal or (3) Trailer Trash just because I decorated my skin a bit.

    The things I put on my skin say a bit about me. About the things I believe in. The first one I got was to denote my love of Nature and respect for Native culture.

Crankies First Tattoo

    I got that Tat when I was 25 years old. I had a pretty good Idea what I wanted out of life at that point and I don't consider it a mistake. It was done on a trip to New Glasgow at Sailor Jerry's. I went with my longhairedhippytattooedfreakfriend Brent and his girlfriend Brenda. Connie Hawkes went with us as well. As a matter of fact it took me another 10 years to get the next one. When my buddy Brent (same one) finally got his equipment and started doing his own Tats. 

    The first one Brent did for me was a Canadian flag, to show my absolute pride in my nation. To denote that I was glad we helped get rid of the Taliban, and I was glad and proud that we stood up and stayed out of George Bushes war on the Iraqi people. Here it is.

    On my hairy old leg none the less. Now I ask you, what's so offensive about these?  Why on earth would anyone want to discriminate against someone for having a couple of nice pictures in very discreet places? The next one I'm getting will be a little bit bigger and will represent my love of music and my admiration for my favorite band. As soon as I get it and it heals up nice I'll post a pic of it here as well.

        I couldn't begin to compare this with something someone goes through for something they can't help. Being an African American or other visible minority. Being physically or mentally handicapped. I have a friend in a wheelchair who is a phenomenal athlete but people still think he can't manage on his own. That bothers me a lot. He's more capable and does more than most "Able" bodied people ever dreamed of. If you want to learn a little bit about a real hero try Barry Patriquin.

        I always like to remind people that even though they may hold my Tattoos against me, I'd never be dumb and small minded enough to hold their lack of pigments against them.

Thanksgiving....

An exercise in Familial Restraint.

Oct 10th 2004.

    So here it is, the day before thanksgiving in Canada. This is the day my family, because of distances traveled and whatnot, choose to get together and celebrate our ability to interact without pounding the snot out of each other.

    I may be a cranky old cuss at times, but I can honestly say it's not because of my family. I often shake my head at times at friends and neighbors who constantly fight and are at each others throats with their family and friends. It really makes me wonder sometimes why people even bother to get married. My wife and I have disagreements. Some of them are very basic and small. Some could potentially end a marriage. But we don't let them.

    I love my parents and they are wonderful people. I love my sisters... even when they seem a little flaky... I love my niece and nephew on my side even though they could drive a saint to curse god at times. I love my nieces and nephews on my wifes side even though I haven't met a lot of them and there's about 36 dozen of them. So anyway. We went up to the lake this year for Thanksgiving supper like usual.

The Camp

    Everyone was there including my sister Kelly's fiancé's parents Bill and Jane Snailham (yes... I said Snailham). Bill and Jane are fairly cool people. I really enjoyed meeting them.

L to R. Recently Bald Wife Angela, Sister Barbara,

 Bill Snailham (in red) and Jane Snailham

    I'm not really sure how old Jane is but she's a pretty cool chick for whatever age she is. She told us she wants to go skydiving and smoke a joint before she dies. She has a Tattoo of the Canadian flag on her wrist.

    My sister Barbara was there with her two hellions... And I say that in a very loving way because they are neat kids... just overly Rambunctious. All in all there were Thirteen of us there for Thanksgiving dinner and except for a few spats with the children no one fought or said a cross word all day. That's not how things always happen with my family. But it's how things happen most of the time. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for what you have. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful family. I'm thankful that we all enjoy good health. But most of all I'm thankful I remembered to stock my fridge with beer.

    Here are a few more pictures from the day. Hope you all enjoy them.

Family around the Table. Guy in the Michigan shirt is my Cranky dad.

L to R Jane Snailham, Scott Snailham, and the Future Mrs. Kelly Snailham.

L to R Nephew Samuel, niece Bryony and Daughter Anne

Playing Video Games.

The boy (Sean) painting  for the Neighbors at the Lake.

    Oh, and in case you were wondering... The wife became recently bald because she promised my son's baseball team if the won the provincials in Baseball she would shave her head. The came in second, but the game was so close (and controversial) that she decided to let them shave her head at the year end party anyway. She's got some stubble now... but here's the result...

Bald wife... And I'm proud of her...

Drunks is FUNNY

Sept 4th 2004

    Have you ever stopped to wonder why in the hell drunk people think they are so damn funny. I mean sure, it's funny to see them stumbling around attempting to sound somewhat intelligent as their faculties are seriously retarded by the booze. But for some strange reason everyone I know thinks they are funnier than Groucho at a Swedish hookers convention.

    The problem isn't that they aren't funny. Sometimes they're downright hilarious, especially when they aren't intending to be. The problem comes when they are actually being downright cruel or mean and don't have the clear thinking intelligence to realize it. I have the urge at time to kick people in the nuts just for having the audacity to try and crack jokes while I'm trying my hardest to get drunk enough to numb my sense  of self. 

    That's what I'm doing when I drink. I'm trying my hardest to turn off that inner me. The annoying one who keeps telling me to try and fit in and to wear sensible shoes instead of comfortable sandals. I'd honestly thought I'd destroyed that annoying damn voice years ago when it kept telling me to wear a spring/fall jean jacket all through the winter months here in Canada. But somehow the damn thing keeps leaking info to me I never wanted in the first place.

    It keeps telling me that people will like me and think I'm cool if I just start doing things that make me really uncomfortable. I keep trying to drown it with alcohol. It's still up in the air as to who is winning. I hope it's me. I'm way too old to become a trend-oid all of a sudden.

    Anyway, I've always been a firm believer in being comfortable instead of being cool and as a good old buddy of mine used to say, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

    Cheers all...

The Umpire

August 26th 2004

    You know, I've discovered I may have a true calling in life where being cranky pays off. The Baseball Umpire Business. It's great. Mind you, I try to never be cranky with the kids, but the moment a parent or a coach gets up in your face you go ballisticly cranky on them and there isn't really anything they can do about it (Provided of course you are within the rules).

    The most important thing is of course to make sure you know all the rules yourself so that no one can ever second guess you. It makes for great drama when someone tries to misinterpret a rule or asks you to enforce one that doesn't exist. Then you get to give them a bit of an education. It's even better when they bring a rule book out to show you and you get to kick them off of the field because only the Umpire may bring rule books to the field.

    The best part of it all is everyone has to wait for you to make your decision or call before the game can continue. So if you just slow down your calls for a second you can actually hear everyone breath in while they wait for your call.

    No wonder Umpires fall into one of two categories. They're either high strung type A personalities, or passive aggressives with delusions of grandeur who feel vindicated that they finally have control over a situation. I think I fit into the second category. 

    Just think back through history of all the great ball players. Babe Ruth, Lou Gherrig, Hank Aaron, Reggie Jackson, Cy Young. All of them, no matter how great they were, were at the whim of an Umpire. He controlled them and they couldn't stop him. Now think back to the names of all the great Umpires in history. Ummm... Ahhhhh... Errrrrr... Well.... Kinda makes you wonder huh?

Farking Busy Damn Summer.

August 24th 2004

    Look , I know I've been remiss in my updates, but you've got to remember I've been freaking busy this year. Here's just a little update on what's been happening.

    The boy is playing both Pee Wee and Mosquito age groups in Ball this year. So far he's taken part in two tournaments and has a third and fourth one this weekend and his team has advanced to provincials this year.  That means that come Labour Day weekend we have a real exciting tourney to attend. Add on top of that that I got my certification to be an Umpire this year and have been doing Rookie, Mosquito and PeeWee games all summer and you begin to start seeing why I've been so busy.

    Add into that the two trips we made to New Glasgow for Hit Run Throw (the boy took third in his age group) and the camping trips. Then put on top of that the Softball tournaments my wife and I played in this year. We've had about one or two weekends that we weren't busy all summer.

    Three night a week Sean plays ball and add into that the two and a half acre lawn I mow by hand ever since my ride on mower croaked. Oh yeah, and the nine cord of hardwood I've been cutting up and splitting for the winter.

    So yes, I've been really busy all summer, and I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

The Zen Crankyness of the Fishermen.

June 8th 2004

      Nothing can make you crankier than trying to outwit something with a brain smaller than a peanut and failing miserably at it. No matter what you try that stupid trout will not take the bait and just to rub it in he'll jump somewhere near where your line is sitting in the river.

    I took up fishing as a way to get me out of the house to relax. Just me and nature listening to the birds chirp and watching the muskrats swim. It didn't take long for my natural competitive nature to take over though. Unfortunately I was competing against someone I just couldn't beat. A fish.

   I tried five different kinds of bait and 6 different flies. I even tried a lure or two. Nothing worked. All I could manage was the odd measly four or five inch long little glorified minnow that I threw back in.

    That's when my Buddhist instincts  started to take over. I had to confront the reality of the situation. The reality is that I will never be able to outwit the fish until it decides to let me outwit it and there isn't anything I can do about it.

    So now I fish almost every day and I am quite happy to never catch anything. I just use it as an excuse to take a nice long walk and commune with nature a bit. If I happen to catch a fish, all the better for me. But since the reality is I will never be a great fisherman, then it's far easier to change the goal of my outings than to change the environment I take them in.

    Now instead of trying to conquer nature, I just enjoy it. Oh, and I still get cranky once in a while if I don't get a bite, but it isn't an all out blood pressure tripping event anymore. Just a slight reality check.  

Wicked Sensational Nothings

May 26th 2004

So nothing is really going on this week other than a few small things. I worte a letter to my company asking for compensation for screwing up my recall. I expect to hear from them shortly. I guess the really big news right now is involving my Long haired hippy tattooed freak friend Brent. He's a wicked good artist and he's finally going to open his own Tattoo shop. 

I can't wait to get a couple done by the old boy. He's designing me a couple of custom pieces but the first one I plan on getting done is the Rush Dude. You know, the one from the anthem symbol. Maybe a good Canadian Flag. I always like the Canadian flag.

I really want a wolf some day. It's the animalistic symbol for family. I'm really family oriented so that would be appropriate. Who knows what I'll get next. Maybe I'll get Calvin and Hobbes tattooed on my ass.

The Woes and Wonders of Work.

May 23rd 2004

    Oddly, the company that fired me last month called me on Thursday to meet with them. They were very polite about the whole thing which made me suspicious. I couldn't go because I had to go to a funeral for my nieces fiancé but I told them I would meet with them on Friday at 10:30 a.m. As soon as I got off the phone with them I got on the phone with my lawyer. She couldn't attend but she told me to take a friend in to act as a witness and if they won't allow it to still go in and then if I started to feel uncomfortable to walk out and tell them I wasn't willing to meet until my lawyer could be present.

    So I went to the doctors appointment I had, then went to a funeral, then stressed out about the whole thing for the rest of the day. Then me and my longhairedhippytattooedfreakfriend Brent and I went in. The didn't want Brent to come in but said they didn't mind if he did. So I let Brent off the hook and sent him out to the van with my cell phone so he could keep trying to win Slayer tickets.

    When I went into the meeting with Catbert (Sharon Kearns) and the new Plant Manager they started spouting off about why they got rid of me. Their explanation was they asked the supervisors to rate the different employees that were laid off and they kept moving me to the lower part of the list until I got to the point where they decided they wouldn't ask me to come back. When I kept mailing off my letter of appeal apparently the new plant manager (who's name I can't remember right now, so I'll just call him Wally.) decided they should take a closer look at record. After viewing it he said that they really had no objective reason to let me go. My record didn't warrant the treatment and that they were rescinding the decision to let me go. It just goes to show you that sometimes being persistent about what you consider to be the right thing will change things. One person can make a difference. Even if it is just in their own life. I'm not going back right away though. They won't let someone go to bring me back. They didn't offer me any compensation but I didn't want to push it at that meeting. I'll wait and call my lawyer on Tuesday (BTW, they don't know I have one because she never contacted them) to see what she has to say about the whole compensation thing, but I think I will politely ask them for a small lump sum cash payment (instead of the huge one my lawyer was going to get me for what they did) and for a full profit sharing bonus come Christmas (because it's based on attendance and salary I would loose almost all of it for the year)

    What impressed me the most was their absolute admittance that they were completely and 100% at fault. And they are putting it in writing.

    But even if they refuse to compensate me I'm happy to have the job back. I loved working there. And the depression I sank into when I lost it may finally be receding thanks to their reversal (and Effexor). But I still have this nagging suspicion that since my case was so strong against them they decided to bring me back so they can do me in properly.

    So in conclusion, Corporations... still evil, but maybe they can be dealt with. Politicians... still crooks.

Update on Nice Guy Rupert Boneham.

YAY FOR RUPERT!!! HE WON THE MILLION BUCKS!!!

I'm actually glad to see that a nice guy won. And only one jerk-ass was in the four top finishers (Friend selling weasel Rob Mariano of course... Jerk)

Anyway, check it all out here....  SURVIVOR.

A Generally Decent Day.

May 12th 2004

    Wow, I had a weird, but generally decent day. I had to go to a job interview with a company called Convergys and I interviewed for an incoming customer service position. They seem to think I have the voice and lack of an accent one needs to do such a job.

    So anyway. My interview was for 11:00 am in Truro N.S. (about a 45 minute commute from my house). Since I had no idea where the place was we left in plenty of time to find it and it was a good thing we did. The woman who called me told me the wrong exit. To top it off the building had no sign on it or civic address, But I found it. I showed up with fifteen minutes to spare.

    So I went in and told the security guard, who seemed like a pleasant young fellow, that I had an appointment for testing and an interview at 11:00 am. He smiled and shuffled through his papers, then told me I wasn't on his list, but he would call to find out what was going on.

    I was promptly met by a nice woman who would be doing the interview who informed me that she had no record for my interview and no paperwork with which to do it. So she apologized for my wasting my time and asked me if I had a copy of my Resume with me, which of course, being the overly organized dipstick that I am, had. I also had two of my letters of recommendation with me. She took them and I went on my merry way trying hard to be as cheerful as possible about wasting an hour and a half of a beautiful spring day.

    So my wife and I went down to the mall to haunt around for a while and do some shopping. While on the way there my Van started smoking like crazy. The front seal on my transmission must have blown because it was leaking transmission fluid directly onto my exhaust. 

    I bought some Gunk transmission leak stopper and loaded the transmission up. My hands got covered in grease in the process of course, but it was O.K., I didn't have to impress anyone at this point. So I wiped as much as I could off my hands with an old KFC napkin and went back into the mall. As soon as I came by a washroom I'd pop in and get the rest of it off. 

    Any-who, we were walking through the mall when my cell phone started tweedling  away. I answered it and it was the woman who I had met at Convergys. She was informing me that she had found my paperwork and I did indeed have an appointment today. We had it at 12:30 now and could I possibly make it for it. I said sure, why not. So I ran to the washroom and went to wash my hands. That's when I realized that there wasn't any soap.

    So here I was, going off to an interview for a office position in a nice shirt and tie with nice pleated pants and Italian leather oxfords with grease on my hands.

    The interview was actually a test at first. I had to sit at a computer with a headset on and answer a bunch of test calls. I had to rate each potential answer on whether it was effective or ineffective. I was supposed to answer as many questions as I could in 45 minutes at which point the system would automatically shut itself down. Being as careful as I could I went through the test being as speedy as I thought I could be without rushing. Thirty minutes into the test I ran out of questions. 

    So I sheepishly went to her office (I can't remember her name right now) and knocked at the door. "Yes?" she said looking kind of perplexed. "What do I do when I run out of questions?" I asked. "Oh..." she replied. "Just a minute then."

    She went through my test, got me to fill out some papers, then ran me through something called a Personality response interview. She seemed quite positive about the results and said I'd know one way or another within the week.

    So it was a weird day, but generally good. I hope it's just a valve for my transmission. I don't want to have to drop the motor to repair the freakin thing.

Dirty secrets.

May 10th 2004

    Everybody has them. Those dirty secret pleasures they don't want anyone to know about. Secret fetishes and proclivities they don't discuss in polite society. Maybe you have a romantic attachment to shoes. Maybe you secretly enjoy the taste of your own... ummm... boogers. Whatever it is everyone has them. Mine is SURVIVOR.

    I watched with horror this season as my all time favorite nice guy slowly let himself get screwed over by a lying weasel named Rob, who coincidentally screwed himself for the Million bucks, and his coat tail riding now fiancé Amber. But that's not the point to this rant. It's to show my support for a big lovable lug who should have been a winner twice now. Rupert Boneham

    I've grown tired of seeing the nice guy loose all the time. I was desperately hoping just ONCE the nice guy would pull a miracle out of his butt and win the prize. But he was steamrolled by two crafty lying snakes and one stupid moron (Jenna) who didn't have the foresight to realize she didn't have the stamina to take on Rob in the final. It's always a stamina challenge in the end. Always. 

    But here's something different. This time you get to vote for your favorite survivor. And for once, I'm hoping, The nice guy will win. Here's hoping Rupert gets the big money. He deserves it more than any other survivor in history. Please go here and vote for good old Rupert. It would certainly make me feel better.

    By the way, Lex, Nice speech. Would have meant more to me coming from Kathy, but nice speech none the less.

Hockey Fright in Canada

    So the playoffs are in full swing, and by the third round I'm already screwed in my hockey pool. The two teams I picked in Spu's hockey pool to go to the finals, well... New jersey got put out in the first round, and Detroit got put out in the second. So by the third round I'm done for.

    That's just to top off a season where my team... the great and mighty... err... well... the well paid and mediocre Blackhawks once again didn't make the playoffs. So I'll mail off my lousy ten bucks to spu on Wednesday (call off Louie now will ya, my freaking kneecaps can't take it....)

    So it's been a bit of a season of upsets. Poor Spu is beside himself. Can't really blame him though. The leafs had a good shot at it this year, but they just got too old too fast. Veterans are great, but sometimes you need those fast young legs to carry you through the long playoff schedule.

    But it seems the playoffs are spilling into politics quite a bit this year. First Peter McKay and Reg Alcock try to drop the gloves at parliament (and didn't you just know neither one of them actually had the nuts to follow through.) Then comes news that the Conservative party is trying to recruit Don Cherry. If Don ever ran for office for the Harper Nutjob Party I'd loose all respect for him. But it would be interesting to hear Harper trying to excuse Dons off the cuff remarks... daily...

    Anyway, to make a short story long... Hockey good, politicians bad.

I Know I Said I Wouldn't... but...

May 4th 2004

    I just have to rant about the bizarre nature of my termination from Poly Cello again. I had a nice little chat with Sharon Kearns (Director of Human Resources, or as I like to call her.... Catbert) yesterday. She finally decided to tell me, after three weeks of telling me they would, they they don't give out letters of recommendation unless you're leaving the area. Then she asked about the letter of appeal I had sent in.

    I explained to her that I loved my job and I was willing to fight to keep it. She then told me that since my termination wasn't a disciplinary action, I had no grounds to fight it. The policy handbook was only for dealing with disciplinary actions. Now here's what's absurd about that. If I had broken a rule I could fight for my job. But since I did nothing wrong they weren't allowing me to. They refuse to respond to my letter of appeal.

    How stupid is it to allow people who harm the company an appeal and to allow people who did nothing wrong to be shut out without a voice. That's silly. I mean, it means that everyone who works for the company needs to immediately break a rule or two so they can appeal any decision to terminate their employment.

It just confirms to me once and for all that the term Business ethics is an Oxymoron.

So Anyway...

April 21st 2004

    Well, here I am, looking for work again. Dusting off the old resume and wondering what the hell I ever did to deserve this. Sometimes it's hard not to believe your on some karmic roller coaster that is punishment for the misdeeds you perpetrated in some other life. Other times it's hard not to believe that gods getting even with you for not believing in him (or her?). Most days it's just enough to believe that the sun will rise and that the days worth getting up for.

    But hey, I'm a trooper. I'll get over it. I'll take all this bitter hatred I'm experiencing right now and swallow it and try to get on with my life for the sake of my wife and kids. Because when it comes right down to it the only people in the world you can truly count on in life are your family. And I've always tried my hardest to be the guy they can all count on. It'll probably lead to my early grave or at least ulcers, but I'm not about to cause them any more stress than they are already under.

    So anyway, that's the last of this self pitying crap I'm gonna spew out today. I hope none of you ever have to go through losing a job and having the cowards not even have the guts to tell you face to face. I hope they give you a reason too instead of leaving you twisting in the wind with no Idea what you did to piss them off. It's just typical unethical corporate cowardice.

    Onward and upward. I'm happy the leafs got by the first round. That gives me a lot of hope for humanity. If they make it out of the second round I might just give up Buddhism in favor of some kind of Christian/Miracle/Voodoo based thing. I would much rather see my beloved Blackhawks up there, but they haven't been giving me much reason to "belove" them lately. When I worked in Moncton one of the guys there described me as an "ABC" fan. When I asked him what that meant he said "Anyone But Canadiens..." which I would have to say is basically true. Not so much because I don't like the Canadiens, but rather because I dislike a lot of their fans. Smarmy bastards that they are...

    I see my old nemesis "Dubya" is gurgling and mispronouncing his way through the war on Iraq. Looks pretty good for the Dems right now. I don't see how George could of screwed this up any worse than he did. If nothing else the prospect of seeing him go down in flames has kept my spirits up. I was really hoping it would be Wesley Clarke leading the Dems against him. There was just something that appealed to me about having a decorated war hero and general go up against a cowardly draft dodger and deserter chickenhawk. Hopefully Kerry will win and force Israel to stop it's campaign of provocation.

    Anyway, I'll get over it. Hope to see you all back here soon.

    OH YEAH, I finally got another email to add to the mailroom. Please feel free to contact me and I'll add your comment after the article (if appropriate) or I'll at least add it to the mailroom. If it's a good enough rant I'll post it and take credit for it (not really...)

Cranky Old Bastards New Fangled Email Thingy

GRRRRR!!! #$%$#&*%$#$#

April 12th 2004:

    I don't know how many of you know what I've been doing for a living for the last year, so I'll tell you. I work for a company that prints on plastic film. They make toilet paper wrapper and frozen food bags and juice pack wrappers and a whole host of other products. The name of the company is Poly Cello and to tell the truth it's the best job I've ever had. Or at least it was.

    The last two jobs I had were not so great. First I worked for Seagull Pewter and Silversmiths Ltd. They were a giftware manufacturing company and made some really nice product. I was there for eight years and got to watch as the management of the place went from inept to moronic and finally to downright corrupt. I quit there because I really couldn't stand the place, and half the people who worked there anymore.

    Then I went to work at Hub Meatpackers in Moncton. It's hard to believe that working in a slaughterhouse could be considered a better job than working in a giftware industry, but it was. Hub is owned by Maple Leaf foods who are openly hostile to their employees. I got laid off from there about a year after I quit Seagull and went there because they got rid of the Kill floor and became strictly a packing and processing plant.

    But then I lucked out. A company with a wonderful reputation for treating it's employees good and paying well had some positions open up. After a series of tests and interviews I was hired and became a part of Poly Cello. I can honestly say I was totally happy with my job for the first time in my life. My wife used to comment on how happy II was when I came home at night from work. I liked the company, the people I worked for and the people I worked with. Money can't buy that kind of environment, but it also paid way more than any job I ever had.

    They over hired a small bit at that time, and in November were forced to lay off people for the first time in ten years. I just happened to be number eleven out of eleven. No big deal, I'd been laid off a few times before. But a few months ago they brought back a few people, and I wasn't one of them. They brought back people hired after me. No biggie I thought, they worked in a different department than me. 

    Then Thursday the head of human resources calls me and tells me they won't be calling me back. They've decided I was "Better suited to employment somewhere else." No explanation, no reason, just a nice big "Get Lost!!!"

    It was a bit unexpected. A LOT unexpected. I've never had a bad word said to me since I started. No reprimands, not even a verbal warning. I got reviews every three months and every one of them was excellent without one single needs improvement and I even got a few Exceeds expectations. They're even writing me a letter of recommendation so I really don't understand why this is happening, and they aren't inclined to let me know why.

    So my point is this, why is it acceptable for companies to end someone's employment without any justification. I checked with the department of labor and it's apparently perfectly legal for them to end my employment without any kind of reason or even simple courtesy. I've emailed a couple of MLA's but they don't seem inclined to answer me on this subject (imagine that, politicians being more interested in protecting big business than the rights of workers.) So I guess I just have to swallow it and move on. I just really hate letting someone run over me without suffering even a little bit, but I really can't afford to hire a lawyer right now. But maybe I can find one to work on contingency.

    Anyway, moral of the story, Poly Cello-Sucks, Politicians-Crooked yada yada yada....

Woo Hoo... I won the Lottery... errrrr... Damn!!!

April 1st 2004.

    Ever play an April fools joke on yourself? Ever had your heart leap up into your chest because you felt for sure you'd won the lottery? Ever scratched a scratch ticket and thought for sure you had just scratched three $20 000.00 symbols only to realize 3 seconds later one of them was actually a $200.00 symbol. I hate it when that happens.

    The lottery is best described as retirement planning for stupid people. I have to admit every time I see that 6/49 or super seven jackpot climb close to 10 million I start feeling my I.Q. drop in an inversely proportionate amount. Strictly mathematically speaking it drops 10 whole point for every million dollars over six million the jackpot hits. Through some very lucky guessing my IQ got tested at about 133. I've disputed this before, and so has just about everyone who knows me, but I'm too lazy to get it tested again. So I'll use that number to do this math.

    If the lottery hits eight million, my I.Q. lowers to 113. Not as good, but still smart enough to realize that the odds of my winning are almost nil and I would be much better off putting the 10 dollars I was going to spend into an RRSP where I have a much better (and slower) opportunity to become a millionaire. If it hits 9 million, I forget the part about the RRSP and just remember I probably won't win.

    When it hits Ten Million, that's the magic number. I forget it's highly improbable I will win and start rationalizing my purchase of lottery tickets. I start thinking..."Hey... Someone has to win, and it's just a good a chance I will win as anyone else will. Besides, what else could I buy with a measly ten bucks. The lottery isn't that bad..."

    If it hits 12 million My I.Q. has effectively dropped to about 73. I think "Me lottery now. Lottery good.". At 15 million I have trouble speaking at the store where I buy them and have to just kind of toss 20 bucks at the counter and mumble "Gimme 20 bucks worth with the tags..."

    If the lottery hits 20 million, I can only drool and soil myself so I have to send the wife to get the tickets. It's pretty sad. 

The formula for intelligence vs lottery potential is thusly written where J=Jackpot and IQ= Intelligence Quotient.

If J>$6000000.00 then IQ=IQ-((J-6000000)/100000)

The Great Bertuzzi Incident.

March 11th 2004

    First of all, I'm not a Canucks fan or a Bertuzzi fan. Secondly I don't feel he is being punished for the action (which has likely happened a thousand times in the NHL since the invention of the instigator penalty) but rather he is being punished for the result. If Moore had of gotten up and hobbled off the ice to return in the next period or even the next game we wouldn't even be discussing this now. He took a cheap shot, but no one can tell me for sure if it was the cheap shot or the ensuing pile up of other players that actually did the damage. I'm more inclined to believe 850 pounds of players did the damage, not Bertuzzi.

    Bertuzzi took a cheap shot and he ended up being partly, if not completely responsible for Moore's injury. So for that he should be punished and punished stiffly. But to take him out for what could be 48+ games? That's the league trying to cover it's own ass and once again trying to ensure that the cup goes to a "Money" team in the States. Bettman should have been fired ages ago, he's ruining hockey.

    Is what Bertuzzi did any worse than any of the other kneeing or high sticking or boarding or any of the other cheap shots going on? No. What was worse was the effect it had. A broken neck sounds pretty bad, and seeing it over and over again on TV.

    It all goes back to the instigator penalty and how Bettman is bent on destroying Hockey. I don't know why he insists on doing everything he can to ruin the NHL but here he goes again. He needs to stop reacting and start acting. Automatic suspensions for every cheap shot of 4 to 12 games and removal of the instigator rule would just about get rid of all the cheap shots. If you lost 4 to 12 games and got fined at least your salary for those games on top of a heavy beating for cheap shoting someone I pretty much guarantee that people would stop.

The Stupid Stuff People Say.

Or

I lerned speak good now.

March 10th 2004     

So have you ever heard someone say something that just didn't make any sense. For instance, "A pair of pants." This doesn't make any sense, there's only one of them. Have you ever heard anyone refer to their shirt as a pair of shirts. Of course not. Pair of socks, pair of gloves, pair of pants. 

    Have you ever heard someone refer to someone as "Whatzizname" or "Buddy" Strange way to cover your own bad memory, by giving people generic names. I used to work with a fellow who referred to everyone as "Buddy down home." Every story he told would start out exactly the same. "One time, Buddy down home, drove his truck into a pile of Manure...". I once actually heard a member of my family utter this statement "Hey, you know whatzizname who lives in that place... you know, the guy who makes the whatchamacallits..."

    I'm not much of one to complain about slang. I grew up in a slangy kind of world. I had lots of old slang to fall back on too. I still like the word "Groovy". But Ebonics? Who the hell ever thought that legitimizing bad English was a good idea? Next thing you know they'll be teaching "Cursing 101" or "Hip Hop slang" as alternatives to English requirements in school. I can just see it now... In 20 years Harvard will have a professor teaching "Ebonics for Success" or "Practical conjugation of the word Fuck"

    I'd like to end this rant with a little bit of proper English. The words of a great man. A lover of language and a great mental giant of our time who sadly passed away a few years ago. All of the following quotes are by Douglas N. Adams.

One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works--you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis.
--Douglas Adams Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all his customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who by peddling second-hand, second-rate technology, led them all into it in the first place.
--Douglas Adams Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
--Douglas Adams

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
--Douglas Adams

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
--Douglas Adams

The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end
--Douglas Adams

source http://home.att.net/~quotesabout/douglasadams.html

Hey?... Was that the Boat I Was Supposed to Get On?

March 6th 2004

    So have you ever had that feeling that maybe you missed out on your opportunity in life. That maybe you were destined for greater things and somehow, somewhere someone got in your way or you just plain missed the boat for your one opportunity? Have you ever felt like maybe you should have done things a little different and then your life would have been better.

    Have you ever wondered what would have been, or what should have been, or what could have been. Have the words "If only I..." ever crossed your mind. Your not alone. A lot of people believe they could have been great if they only had applied themselves years ago, and that it's too late now to do anything about it. "If only I had studied for that big exam, then I could have gone to law school and be a millionaire and buy that new BMW I wanted. If only I had trained harder I could have been a contender.

    If only I had married "So and So" when I had the chance then I could be rich as he is now and I could afford to buy a new wardrobe every 3 months...

    You know what... I wasn't destined for greatness. I was destined for mediocrity. And most of us were destined for mediocrity. I don't settle for it, I just try to be the best me I can be. 

    For those of us who know in our heart of hearts that we were once destined for greatness but it somehow got screwed up, that's a delusion of grandeur. Get over it. For those of us who think it's too late to somehow make a comeback and attain our lost destiny, either give it a shot or get over it. For those of us who really were meant to be something more than what we are... My sympathies, how about just trying to be the best you you are?

    One day a couple of years ago I made a list of all the things I needed in order to be happy for the rest of my life. I eliminated everything from my list that I already had (Health, love,  a home, Kids, a way to earn a living.) and then took a look at all the things on the list that were left. Not surprisingly, they were a bunch of things I couldn't afford. A new car, an ATV, a nicer home, a swimming pool, a new computer, a big screen TV and a Home entertainment system. A cottage at the Beach. Just a bunch of things. I looked at them all and said "Why would a new car make me happy."

    My answer was, of course, "Because I like nice new things." Then I asked myself "Why do I like them..." and the answer was "Because I do." So I want things because I like them, and I like things because I want them. Financially I'm better off with a nice second hand vehicle. Why should I want a new one when it in and of itself will never make me happy. And in a couple of years I'll just be unhappy because I'll want yet another new one.

    I look at rich guys that have more money than they'll ever need, and more stuff then they will ever use. I look at them and say "Does it make them happy? And the answer always seems to be "No." No matter how much they have they are always consumed with the desire to have more. Get more, have more, buy more, make more and still they never quite have enough. They are never satisfied. Never satiated.

    Things don't make you happy. People can't make you happy. Only you can make you happy. The sooner you figure that out the sooner you can get down to just being cranky instead of feeling like your imaginary destiny has been thwarted.

I Got those Old Damn Bicycle Birthday Blues...

March 1st 2004

    So my youngest birthday is coming up again. And every time I ask him what he wants for his birthday he keeps telling me the same thing. "I want a new bike. Mines too small."

    I have no qualms about this. Every young boy needs a Bike to tool around on. I used to love the days me and my buddies (read that as hoodlums and future convicts) used to drive around all over hell and creation getting into no mean amount of no good. But it was clean high jinks, No drugs or alcohol involved (at least not yet). We'd just drive around to our hearts content doing semi suicidal jumps over brooks or ditches. And later on stop somewhere for a pop (I used to love Chapmans Iron Brew) and have a burping contest.

    I have no problem with my son doing any of this. I think it's an important part of growing up. What I do have a problem with is the Bicycles themselves. When I asked the local Walmart about them the clerk replied to me "What kind does he want?".

    That left me rather dumbfounded. What did they mean what kind? How many kinds could there possibly be? So I made the big mistake of asking how many kinds they had. Apparently there are at least six styles of bicycle including Mountain, BMX, Stunt, Touring, Racing, and unicycle .The frames come in about 4 or 5 different sizes and then there are about 20 different brand names. The prices ranged from about $99.00 to about $500.00. And then when I got fed up and went to a bicycle shop in Moncton I really learned more about idiot consumption. 

    My wife won a "Rocky Mountain Fusion" mountainbike about 2 years ago. It's retail value was $995.00. At the time I thought that it was the most expensive Bicycle ever made. Man was I ever wrong. I saw a $2000.00 bike in the window. And that still wasn't the most expensive one there. 

    So fed up and pissed off I have now decided to let the boy pick out his own bike and I'll yea or nay it based on how ridiculous the fricken price is. Who would have thought that the world could frig up  the special relationship between a boy and his bike? Good thing he didn't ask for another dog.

Update Phobia

February 29th 2004

    It appears that I have been suffering from a severe case of Update Phobia. I just haven't been ranting as much of late. I'll try my hardest to get over this bump and be ranting on a regular basis just to please you all. Well, both of you then. And I strongly suspect the two people that had been visiting here have stopped coming anyway. I think I may have to hunt someone down and kill them.

    Anyway, so what do I have to be cranky about this week? Hell, there's lots of fodder for crankdom out there in the world. Psychotic nations invading sociopath nations. Livestock diseases wreaking havoc on farmers livelihoods. Religions continually trying to one up each other. Political parties dedicated to making sure they steal from one segment of the population in order to make another segment happy. Out of all of these major causes of crankiness the best and most pressing subject I came up with that's needed discussing more than any other of these subjects is one of the evilest plots to ever hit the airwaves. The antichrist times two. That's right, you guessed it... I'm talking about none other than.... MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN!!!

    Who was it that told these two they have talent? I found them more entertaining when they were drooling all over themselves on national television, and that was just last year. I have a young daughter so She just loves their movies (pretty bad when blond twin girls only appeal to 10-13 year old girls).

    I really can't stand their nasally whining voices. Their wooden method acting. Their horrid attempts at music make my intestines want to jump out of my throat and strangle me in some abortive attempt to save my ears and brain from the assault (thanks to Douglas Adams).

    Anyway... just avoid them. Their evil mind control specialists. How else can you explain their popularity.

December 25th 2002.

    It has come to my attention that it may or may not be Christmas at this particular moment in time.   If it is, and I'm not denying it isn't, then Merry damn Christmas to all of you. There is something about this season that really bothers me though. When people insist on taking religion out of the celebrations centered around this season because they don't want to offend anyone. Since Christmas is quite literally the Mass of Christ they want to call it Xmas (which is also has a religious origin from the Knights who used to believe it was a sacrilege to utter the name of god, and since Christ was god, therefore say Christ was a sin and a sacrilege. So they said Xmas instead of Christmas.) 

    I am not a Christian. But I support their beliefs and their right to believe them. Therefore it angers me when people, for the sake of political correctness, try to purposefully take the Judeo/Christian religion out of Christmas. It goes beyond calling it Xmas. Now certain malls don't want to call Santa Claus, Santa Claus. They call him, and I'm quoting here, "The Man in the Red Suit." That's dumb. Santa Claus is the embodiment of all the things every religion tries to instill in their worshippers. His legend is respected by all religions even if the religion he supported is not. Saint Nicolas, or Sinterklaas as the Dutch American settlers called him, was a generous and loving figure who gave both in the physical aspect to deserving children,  and in the spiritual aspect by revering his god and spreading his word. He was by most accounts a wonderful and great person.

    How would someone of the Jewish persuasion feel if someone said to him "Merry Christmas." Well I would hope that he would be a big enough person to accept that not everyone is of the same viewpoint as he and offer up a heartfelt "Thank you, and Happy Hanukkah to you." I would hope he wouldn't feel threatened or discriminated against because you have a different belief than he does. More to the point how would he feel if he were to say to you "Happy Hanukkah." then you got offended. Would he enjoy that kind of discrimination? 

    I think people need to loosen up a little bit. Remember that it's difference that makes us interesting. So if some wishes you a merry Christmas, or a happy Hanukkah, or a solemn Ramadan or a contemplative Bodhi Day or a kooky Kwanzaa or whatever, just take it in the spirit it was intended and stop acting like a jerk. Discriminating against the majority is still discrimination after all.

November 8th 2002

How Beer can be Used to Solve Any Problem.

    So you're sitting around home bored out of your gourd. What do you do.... WHAT DO YOU DO!!! Well, I would suggest cracking a dozen beer then seeing what happens. Maybe you'll end up with the girl of your dreams. Maybe you'll end up lying on the bathroom floor arguing with the soap dish. Whatever it is you do, I guarantee you'll make it sound a lot more interesting when you tell all of your friends.

    Beer exists for a reason. It's there to put you in a totally different frame of mind when you are most in need of it. When you are feeling depressed and accepting of life's vicissitudes BEER will make you enraged and violent. When you have come to terms with loss, beer will give you whole new terms to consider. When you're happy and carefree Beer will make you bloated and giggly.  

    Don't get me wrong even a little bit. Beer is a driving force of good in society. I love beer even though it has been my downfall on many occasions. Beer brings us together in the spirit of friendship and camaraderie. Beer quenches some of the deepest thirsts one can have. Beer cups give you something to throw at the ref's at hockey games, something non lethal I might add.

    So anyway. You might be wondering how Beer can be used to solve any problem. Well it's not really a new Idea. The ancient Athenians used to use this method of examining problems all the time. Their maxim was "Reconsider any decision made sober while drunk, and reconsider any decision made while drunk, sober."

    The basic gist here is that the act of pouring and sitting down for a beer can allow you to refocus your mind away from the mundane problems of life that invade whenever we try to make decisions. It's hard to decide what kind of car to buy when you have to worry about Johnny's math grade and the wife's new hairdo. Beer will, if imbibed, allow you to forget the mundane and let you think about things clearly. Your decisions you make while drunk will be so awe inspiring and simple, that you will forever wonder why you didn't see them before. You will feel all of your problems and stresses lifted in an epiphany that leaves you dumbfounded. These episodes will give you a reason to celebrate, so you finish the case you bought. Then the next morning you won't remember a thing you decided the night before.

Damn useless Electronic Bums.

    Is there anything worse than having a bum walk up to you on a street corner and ask you for a dollar? I often feel sorry for these homeless people, except when they reek of Lysol and need a drug rehab program instead of charity. But in this modern era it's just getting worse. 

    It all started one day when I got an Email. It was forwarded to me by a "FRIEND" who was concerned about the safety and well being of a very ill child. And Microsoft corporation had agreed to pay this poor sick child's parents a quarter of a penny every time the Email got forwarded. I could tell by the long list of names at the top that it had already been forwarded half a bazillion times anyway so that poor kid should have been halfway to owning the Bethesda Medical center. Of course it was all a hoax anyway so it shouldn't matter. Then came stuff like this.....

http://savekaryn.com/

http://www.helpmeleavemyhusband.com/

http://www.sendmeadollar.com/

http://www.savethesuburbanites.com/

http://www.website1.com/squeegee/

http://www.whiteymustpay.com/

Ohhhh theres too friggin many of them. Here's a site that lists a whole friggin bunch of them. Including one that gives you a dollar.

http://www.sendmeadollar.com/rate-a-beggar/rateabeggar.html

I really don't know what's more pathetic. The fact that people make these sites or the fact that morons actually encourage it by sending them a dollar. STOP IT!!! or they'll pop up like the worst flock of pop up ads that ever existed. Anyone that can afford a computer isn't that bad off that they need my dollar. And anyone that has enough on the ball to make their own web page can sure as hell get a second job to make ends meet. Don't come onto my internet bumming my money from me. I'm too friggin cranky for that shit.

September 25th 2002

Dubya... Bane of My Existence.

    I don't like him. I really don't like him. Why would anyone like him. Terminally stupid monkey like moron that he is. He reminds me of a bull who is led around by the ring through his nose.  All you hear from him is whining little bleats and all you get from him is Bullshit. Anyone who thinks he isn't dumb need only read some of his unscripted speeches or look at a few of his press photos.

What was the name of that book Mr. President?

    Honestly. He stands up there and says how great his nation is at protecting justice and upholding the freedoms the world holds dear. Then says he will bomb sovereign nations no matter what the UN wants to do. Time to move the UN out of the USA and into a country that really does want to promote world peace. Maybe Libya? I suppose that since he is such a little warmonger that they may one day want to  put his face on a monetary denomination (likely the $50 000.00 or $100 000.00 bill when his warmongering forces inflation up to %63000) I would suggest this picture be put on it as it shows his true inner essence.

    O.K., It's safe to say I don't like chimpy boy. But the best way to let you know why is to let him speak for himself. The stupid rat bastard.

We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House -- make no mistake about it.

-- Washington, D.C., Feb. 7, 2001

Vice President mentioned Nigeria is a fledgling democracy. We have to work with Nigeria. That's an important continent.

-- Presidential debate, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Oct. 11, 2000

I want to thank your Governor for traveling with me today. It's an honor to be in a presence who has made public education his top priority.

-- Rufus King High School, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, May 8, 2002

In terms of the CO2 issue... we will not do anything that harms our economy. Because, first things first, are the people who live in America.

-- Dubya Bush explaining who owns the rights to the Earth's environment

She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal--Antonio.

-- On Laura Bush inviting Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House. NBC Nightly News With Tom Brokaw, Jan. 14, 2001

The budget caps were busted, mightily so. And we are reviewing...some budgetary reform measures that will reinstate - you know, possibly reinstate budgetary discipline. But the caps no longer - the caps, I guess they're there. But they didn't mean much.

-- Washington, D.C., Feb. 5, 2001

We live in a culture of moral indifference, where movies and videos glamorize violence and tolerance is touted as a great virtue.

-- Texas A&M University, Apr. 6, 1998

"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's the way it goes."
            -Des Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000

"They misunderestimate me."

                -Bentonville, Arkansas, November 6, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

                - Nashua, New Hampshire, January 27, 2000

"Rarley is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

                - Florence, South Carolina, January 11, 2000

"Let me see if I can put this into English, or Texan."

                O'Fallon Missouri, Mar. 18, 2002

"We don't take a bunch of polls and focus groups to tell us what -- to how to, to how to -- to what we ought to do in the world."

                White House, Mar. 21, 2002

"But there needs to be a focused, coalition effort in the region against peace -- I mean, against terror for peace."

                -Crawford, Texas, Mar 30, 2002

    So tell me those aren't pearls of wisdom. I heard of an election in the states where one of the candidates is running with the slogan "Bush... We didn't elect him, we don't have to keep him."

    So in closing... I'm tired of typing, here another doctored photo. And remember who is in charge of the most powerful nation on earth, Dick Cheny.

And Now An Ode to Dubya

You all know the tune to this.

If you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq (clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq (clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it,
And you really want to show it
If you're happy and you know it, bomb Iraq

If your equities are falling, bomb Iraq
If your equities are falling, bomb Iraq
If your equities are falling,
and your losses are appalling
If your equities are falling, bomb Iraq.

If the euro keeps on climbing, bomb Iraq
If the euro keeps on climbing, bomb Iraq
If the euro keeps on climbing,
put your trust in W's timing,
If the euro keeps on climbing, bomb Iraq

If the GDP is shrinking, bomb Iraq,
If the GDP is shrinking, bomb Iraq,
If the GDP is shrinking,
And W's back to drinking,
If the GDP is shrinking, bomb Iraq,

If my polls are falling, bomb Iraq,
If my polls are falling, bomb Iraq,
If my polls are falling,
and Congress is stalling
If my polls are falling, bomb Iraq.

If the GOP is hurtin' , bomb Iraq
If the GOP is hurtin' , bomb Iraq
If the GOP is hurtin'
And November looks uncertain
If the GOP is hurtin' , bomb Iraq

If the talk has turned to Harken, bomb Iraq,
If the talk has turned to Harken, bomb Iraq,
If the talk has turned to Harken,
and that Krugman-dawg is barkin',
If the talk has turned to Harken, bomb Iraq!

Are they checking Halliburton? Bomb Iraq
Are they checking Halliburton? Bomb Iraq
If they're checking Halliburton
Cheney's rep will soon be hurtin'
If they're checking Halliburton, bomb Iraq

If your brother is a turkey, bomb Iraq
If your brother is a turkey, bomb Iraq
If your brother is a turkey
And Florida's bazerk-y
If your brother is a turkey, bomb Iraq

If the pundits call you "moron," bomb Iraq
If the pundits call you "moron," bomb Iraq
If the pundits call you moron
Then it's time to get your war on
If the pundits call you "moron," bomb Iraq

If Noelle gets caught with crack...bomb Iraq
If Noelle gets caught with crack...bomb Iraq
If Noelle gets caught with crack
and the twins drop booze for smack
If Noelle gets caught with crack...bomb Iraq

To divert public attention bomb Iraq
To divert public attention bomb Iraq
To divert public attention
From the doings of your henchmen
To divert public attention bomb Iraq

To get drilling in the Artic, bomb Iraq,
To get drilling in the Artic, bomb Iraq,
You can run us out of oil,
With the Middle East aboil,
To get drilling in the Artic, bomb Iraq

August 28th 2002

I don't say EH!... Eh.

    All right, Cranky is a Canuck. I don't say Eh or Aboot and I don't have a pet beaver. I have seen beavers both wild and domestic. I have used snowshoes and there are more than two seasons in Canada. It has never to the best of my knowledge snowed here in Nova Scotia in July ever.

    I don't say Eh any more than most Americans say "YUP" and I don't live in an igloo any more than most Americans drive gold plated Limo's. I don't really suffer from any kind of inferiority complex over the USA having a super huge army and us being one of the smallest in the world. We excel at different things. I like my nation large and sparsely populated. Gives me much more opportunity to hide out if I ever need to go into a hermitage for some reason.

    I don't know what bothers me more though, when stupid ignorant people worldwide assume Canada has an inferiority complex about the USA being better than Canada, or when the assume the USA is better than Canada. I've spent some time in both nations and have a lot of friends from the states . Really I can say that the USA is better than Canada in a few areas and Canada is better than the USA in a few areas and in most everything else we are equals.

    If I was dumb enough to believe the press about most Americans I would never have met this wonderful old couple from Arkansas who were passing through town. I would have just thought they were typical flag waving right wing ignorant self important useless bastards (not the good kind like me.) who would merely look down on me as a Canadian for having the nerve to speak to a godlike American. But knowing better than that I noticed the old guy was wearing a winter glove in the middle of July (just one) and decided to talk to him. It was at the local Ice Cream shack (painted blue of course) and we chatted about ice cream, blueberries, Bill Clinton, Dubya, Canada and the Southern US (he had a really thick accent) and he also told me he was wearing the glove because an accident and subsequent operation he had done left his hand feeling cold all the time. So one day when he was visiting California a passing police officer threw a bloody glove at him and he picked it up, washed it off and kept it.

    So all Americans aren't assholes, and all Canadians don't say Eh. And I've never heard anyone in my life say aboot.

August 18th 2002

The Town Theme

    You know, my current town has a theme going. Blueberries. I never ever thought I could be so sick of blueberries.  But then again I've never lived anywhere where they pushed the theme so often. When you come into town there is a giant Blueberry man. There is a wild blueberry and Maple center that people can visit to learn more about blueberries. Every year there are millions of pounds of blueberries go through our frozen foods plant. Every year hundreds of people make their living by growing and producing blueberry products. 

    We have so many blue buildings in this town you often wonder if maybe the town planners were mad or colour blind. We owe a lot to the humble blueberry, but this borders on the ridiculous. We have a blueberry gift shop, a blue bakery. All of our minor league ball teams have blue uniforms. Our town signs say we are the Blueberry capital of Canada. 

    So what do we know about the Blueberry. First of all they taste pretty good. They are also nutritious and a great anti oxidant. On the con side, they dye your mouth blackish blue and cause intestinal cramping and diarrhea in large doses. They are also bought in large quantities by the Japanese, a whole nation of people who would gladly chow down on rhino penis soufflé if they thought for a second it would make the ole Johnson a bit stiffer or eat Bat Guano if they thought it would let them live 15 seconds longer.

    So why are they so important? Have you ever had a Blueberry Popsicle? That's how you know if a flavour is important, they make a Popsicle out of it.  But no, Popsicles that are blue are actually Raspberry flavoured. They considered blueberries so unimportant that they make the blue ones blue despite the fact that raspberries are red or black. They figured they had too many red ones now and would never need a blue one anyway because no important flavours are blue anyway.

    Does Smuckers even make Blueberry jam? I think Kraft makes blueberry jam, but they are owned by an evil death peddling cigarette company by the name of Phillip Morris.

    Have you ever heard anyone say "Mmmmm... Sure would like a good bowl of Blueberries right now!"

    In closing... Blueberries are dumb. Get over it. 

August 16th 2002:

Who the Hell told you you could Sing?

   The other day I had my ears absolutely accosted in a very public setting. Some young little... ummmm ... thing was doing her best rendition of a "Brittle knee Spheres" tune (or should I say tuneless.) She actually sounded a bit like the trollop in question, and unfortunately for her parents, dressed like her too.

   The biggest problem I have with "Brittle knees" is the fact that she doesn't actually sing at all. She talks all the way through her songs. A big monotoned diatribe about how big of a slut she is. Then comes out in public and says she is a Virgin. Sure... twenty something boyfriend of hers from N'Synch who could land any teeny bopper in the world passed them all over in order to be faithful to a girl who says she wants to save it till she's married yet dresses in such a sexual manner that she would make a Hooker blush.

   Bring back the good old days when bands like KISS sang about having sex, and then talked about having sex in interviews. They didn't lie about it and say "Hey, we're saving it till we get married." NO! THEY JUST SCREWED THEIR BRAINS OUT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!

   Do you think Joan Jett ever looked at some young stud and said "Baby... I'm saving myself for marriage." No, she put them with the other three studs she tracked down that night and did them all in the band trailer.

   So what I'm trying to say here is not only can't Brittle knee sing, her act is as fake as her boobs.

August 10th 2002

   How the Hell did that get there?

   "The Legend of how I became CRANKY OLD BASTARD"

    Just this morning I was standing in the bathroom , topless , shaving , when I noticed something. I looked down at my luxurious coat of chest hair and it was not the uniform wonderful wiry black I had always remembered it being. Somehow... Somewhere... Someone had glued a gray hair or two into my wonderful wonderful hair. Just how the hell that happened is beyond my knowing. I'd gone through a lot of the aging process in my life but I  don't remember any desire to skip the whole middle aged thing and go right to old.

   God had been nice enough to grant me lots of hair right up until I was 16. When I turned 17 it receded  4 inches in one day and somehow managed to stay there up until now. It thins on a daily basis but has never been gray. How on earth did I skip my midlife crisis and go straight to being a Cranky old Bastard?

   So I quickly finished shaving and went downstairs to confront the obvious culprit. My Wife. "HOW THE HELL DID THAT GET THERE!!!" I demanded. She looked up at me in a rather puzzled kind of way and said quite plainly "Huh???" So I pointed and raved for about 15 or twenty minutes at the rather obvious forest of pure white hair on my chest only to have her look at me and say "I would hardly think you'd worry about a couple of gray hairs on your chest when you've had a head full of them for years."

   That stopped me dead in my tracks right there. I ran upstairs sobbing like a little girl... I mean Grumbling like an old man and checked every single hair on my head individually. When I was done five minutes later I had to agree. Yes... I was going gray.

   I vowed right then and there to skip mid life and go right to being a Cranky Old Bastard. So now I go down to the park a lot and yell at anyone who comes near to me. Mostly I just end up arguing with the Ducks.